Okay, okay. [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i] has absolutely nothing to do with reality tv. Or DOES it? Okay, no, it doesn’t. But I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity to write about it. So indulge me for a week, take a break from reality television, and accompany me on this experience of a lifetime. Here’s the (spoiler-free) recap of my [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i] experience, and the reason [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i] is the most awesomest movie ever made in all the land ever!!!!
I had been planning to see [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i] all summer. When the release date rolled around, I was unfortunately busy but I did make a plan to see it within the first week. To gear up for the awesomeness that is [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i], I had my good personal friend Samuel L. Jackson call all my other good personal friends to tell them about the movie. No, seriously, I did. Go to the official website for the movie, click on Samuel L. Jackson who’s holding a cell phone, and you too can have Sam call people.
I received a massive amount of phone calls back that all began with the same question: Did you have someone who sounds like Samuel L. Jackson call me to tell me to see the movie with you?
And I would say: No, I had the ACTUAL Samuel L. Jackson call you to tell you to see the movie with me.
And then they asked: You want to see that movie?
And I said: Of course! Absolutely!
And they asked: Why?
And I said: Because it’s SNAKES! On a PLANE!
I talked two people into going with me. Part of the allure was also that I get free and discount movie tickets from my cable provider so not paying full price to see a movie they might not like was, I’m sure, a key factor. But not for me. I would have paid a million dollars to see this movie. Because it’s so awesome. And while we waited we were wondering if fake snakes, or real ones, would drop from the ceiling or come out from trap doors in the seats in front of us. And even during the movie, I found myself lifting my feet off the floor. Because I didn’t want to be bitten by the imaginary snakes.
As soon as SNAKES ON A PLANE flashed on the screen for the opening credits, we all laughed with such joy. It was happening. The day had finally come. Hooray! Hooray!
Here’s why [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i] is the must-see movie of all time. Let’s do a countdown, shall we? [b]The Top Ten Reasons To See [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i][/b]
10. [u]Julianna Margulies.[/u] Since ER, Julianna Margulies just has not had enough air time anywhere. Her hair is fantastic! She’s obviously been working out, too. Her character, Claire, is the flight attendant on the last flight of her career. Right there, Claire’s gotta know something’s gonna go wrong. But she pushes through like a trooper. AND sparks fly between her and Samuel L. Jackson’s character, Nelville Flynn. Because when your plane is going down and snakes are all around, you’ve gotta get it on with someone, right? Right???
9. [u]Bad bad acting.[/u] Acting so bad that it is so so so good! Why see a movie for bad acting? Because it makes you feel better about yourself, thinking that you could have done a better job, say, hitting that lawyer in the head with a baseball bat while you’re wearing a white suit to be sure that blood spatters against it and you don’t care because you’re in the mob and you can get another suit. Or you could have been that naked person in the bathroom getting bitten by that snake on all the parts that make the movie rated R. But you don’t have to do any of that. All you have to do is cringe from every snake bite and every flat delivery.
8. [u]Snake vision!!!![/u] I used to think that night vision on shows like Big Brother and Survivor and The Real World was the coolest thing. But no. You know what’s cooler? Seeing the world through the eyes of a snake. It’s kinda like looking through those infrared night vision goggles Jack Bauer uses on 24 that turns the world a digital green, only everything in snake vision is also wavy pschychadelic. Like snakes on an acid trip.
7. [u]Leis never had it so good.[/u] Snakes were humping the leis on the plane that people got at the airport when flying out of Hawaii. Hawaii, by the way, is so gorgeous. So if not for the grand humping of the leis, then see [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i] for the opening shot of the scenery.
6. [u]Flight attendant stereotypes.[/u] The male flight attendant describes the snakes as teal instead of Flynn’s greenish-blue. He also tries to kickbox with a kickboxer in the aisle of the plane and hurts himself. Then there’s the old flight attendant lady who refused to take early retirement. She insisted on one last round. That kind of repeats Julianna Margulies’ character’s “last flight” scenario, so how they didn’t see disaster coming, I have no idea. And then there’s the slutty blonde attendant who hits on the witness for the prosecution from the time she gives the safety instructions while winking and batting her eyelashes at him. Of two pilots, one is a perv and one is normal. Guess who gets attacked by the snakes first. Go on. I betcha get it right.
5. [u]Kenan Thompson as a body guard.[/u] He’s so not mean enough to be a body guard but he is funny enough to pull off a bumbling guard who loves to play the flight game on PS2. And the rapper he’s supposedly protecting is such a prick that you hope the body guards are just bumbling enough to let a few punches to the nose slip in.
4. [u]Oh the places a snake can bite![/u] Aside from the aforementioned naughty bits in the bathroom, think of other creative places. An eyeball perhaps. Or a tongue. Any place you would think would be the last place is the first place these snakes bite. And they slither up and through everything. Everything, I should say, EXCEPT for the luggage. Yeah, they build a barrier of suitcases between business class and first class to keep the snakes out. What the? They crawled through the cargo hold and the electricity panels but they can’t crawl through a pile of luggage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I am loving this movie. The snakes not only bite, but they also strangle. Just wait to see the giant snake and what he can do with a six foot tall man. But leave your kitties and puppies at home.
3. [u]Oh the ways to kill a snake![/u] Swing around a tray table or laptop. Swing an axe. Think back to your teen-pyromania years and construct a hairspray cigarette lighter flame thrower to burn the little buggers. Throw them out of the plane. Swat at them with a clipboard. Electrocute them with a taser gun. Make them bite each other. And use a harpoon. The harpoon is key.
2. [u]Bobby Cannavale is friggin hot.[/u] He’s the man on the ground who needs to find the best snake expert in the time zone. Who turns out to be one of the greatest character actors I’ve ever seen. So in addition to the bad acting, you get better than awesome acting. Plus Bobby Cannavale and who really cares about his acting ability when he’s so friggin hot? And tough. Just wait until you see him hold a man’s life in the balance by withholding a syringe of anti-venom. Ooh, as a torture technique, he squirts out the serum on the floor showing that he means business.
1. [u]Just to hear Samuel L. Jackson say “snakes on crack” and “snakes on a plane”[/u] and, well, anything to do with snakes makes going to see this movie worth it. (BTW—one of the previews was of a movie with Samuel L. Jackson that also had “snakes” in the title—it’s as if he’s going through a “snakes phase” in his career. I mean, who does that? You know who? Samuel L. Jackson. And who can get away with it? Samuel L. Jackson). Samuel L. Jackson is AWESOME. And in this movie, he’s even MORE AWESOME, if that’s even possible. He’s badass. He takes out snakes. He takes care of people. He protects the witness to the prosecution and saves lives in the process. If he wasn’t in this movie, I don’t think the movie would have ever been made. Samuel L. Jackson *is* [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i].
Once you’ve finished reading through this column, shut down your computer, grab your keys and some cash, and get over to the nearest movie theater ASAP. You must go see this movie. I mean, how could you not?
[b] And THIS is why I love [i]Snakes On A Plane[/i][/b]: FuthaMuckin SNAKES on a FuthaMuckin PLANE!!!! You can’t get more awesome than that!
If you send me your phone number, I’ll have my personal friend Samuel L. Jackson call you, too.
For more about snakes and me, visit http://christinamrau.blogspot.com or http://theunromancingofroma.blogspot.com