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They're Ba-ack! – Big Brother All Stars: America Votes


I don’t know about you, but I’ve been hyped about this summer’s BB since … well, since she-who-shall-not-be-named ended up winning Big Brother 6. We’ve been taunted and teased with carefully timed announcements, blunders, and interviews, all leading up to this big announcement of the 20 potential houseguests who are eligible to enter the Big Brother All Stars house. Who will be on the list? Let’s find out!

But first … nah, I’m kidding. The show opens with the now-familiar theme song that actually gave me goosebumps. I’m such a nerd. And I miss the old theme song – that’s one of the reasons I watch House Calls, to hear the old theme music. But I digress. We get a montage of some memorable moments from previous seasons of Big Brother, featuring most of the contestants we’re about to see again.

Julie Chen is standing outside the house, looking dapper in a black off-the-shoulder number paired with summer white pants. (I know you were all waiting with bated breath to hear what Julie was wearing.) She tells us that we’re about to see houseguests that we love, and love to hate. What about those that we simply just hate? No love involved, just pure loathing? I’ll bet there are a few of those too.

Julie will introduce the 20 houseguests that have made the short list (not to be confused with the short bus) to enter the house. America (and Canada, eh?) will vote in three males and three females, and the other six spots will be decided by the producers. On July 6th, all 20 houseguests will assemble to learn who has made it into the house, and who will be sent packing. Ew, Julie’s pants have a flower motif up the sides. Scratch that dapper comment, these things are hideous up close.

With the original Big Brother logo on the screen behind her, Julie says that Big Brother has become an international phenomenon. No kidding – have you seen some of the stuff the Brits get away with on this show? The first American edition was really a bit of an experiment, with different rules and audience voting. Most of the original cast has faded into oblivion (because no one watched the show after all of the interesting people were gone), but apparently there was one who stood out. That person is …

“Chicken” George. Ah yes, George of the rainbow hair. He still looks pretty much the same, although his hair is rather subdued now. He says that he earned his nickname because he took care of all the chickens. George goes on to say that the original cast was basically just a group of people who didn’t know what to expect. Now that the game has become a strategic platform, he wants back in.

We get lots of clips of George, goofing off in the house sporting different hair colors, taking care of the chickens, and breaking down when talking about how he misses his family. Back in the studio, he says that being away from his loved ones for that long is really difficult, but he’s willing to give it another try. He’ll get in the house solely based on the fact that he’s the only representative from season one, but he’s a decent guy and it’ll be good to see if he can do the strategic thing.

Moving on to season two, the rules changed completely when the show was picked up by CBS. As Julie explains, the Head of Household, Veto, nominations, and evictions based on houseguests’ votes were all new rules, and they caused the perfect environment for lying, scheming, alliances, and backstabbing. The nominees from Big Brother 2 are:

Bunky. Bunky? He introduces himself as the “bald guy with the hairy back from the South called Bunky who cried all the time”. Yep, that about sums it up all right. Again, he looks pretty much the same, but somehow less hirsute. And that’s a good thing. We’re shown a series of clips of Bunky crying, which could really have been a lot longer considering how much time he actually spent sobbing in the house.

He says that he played the game the first time by trying to be the nice guy and give everyone what they needed, and he made it to the final five that way. This time though, he’s ready to really play the game. And he’s not going to cry this time. Riiiight.

Will. Well, duh. You can’t have an “All Star” season without the Evil Doctor Will. Love him or hate him, you have to respect the guy. He took a strategy of lying and scheming to incredible new heights, and ended up winning the game. Will appears onscreen and asks us, “Do you think it’s easy looking this good? Well, it is!” Nice to see he hasn’t changed.

Will’s montage features clips of him primping, preening, tweezing, and plucking, followed by promises and handshakes that were all eventually broken. He says that you have to backstab in this game, and that he was very honest to people – he told them he was lying to all of them, and eventually convinced them all that he was the best guy to take to the end. He was nominated many times, but was never evicted. Will wants to return to the house because he has a big ego, and he wants to shake things up. I’m pretty sure that, even if we don’t vote him in, the production crew is falling all over themselves to give this guy a key. He closes by daring us not to vote for him. Hee.

Mike “Boogie”. We all knew he was on the list ’cause he started campaigning for votes early, but still, I was kinda hoping he’d be disqualified or something. Mercifully, the powers that be only give us a brief montage of Mike rapping and dancing. He says that the Chilltown alliance was in charge of the game, and that they were smarter, better looking, and more popular. He feels that he was outsmarted by people who were less intelligent than himself. Um, thanks for the chance to mock you on a silver platter there Mike, but it’s too easy. I’m not in full snark mode yet, but this is helping a little.

Mike explains that he fell in love with Krista in the house, saying that, for once, he listened when a woman was talking to him. Charming. After a brief engagement though, they haven’t spoken in years. He feels that being in a relationship clouded his judgment and now he wants to try again. Mike adds that he’s hoping to beat Will at his own game. Nope, still not voting for ya buddy.

Monica. Monica is introduced with a montage of “It’s on!” clips. She’s aged a bit, but she looks damn good. She wants back in the house to keep on keeping it real. Monica admits that she blew up in the house when she couldn’t take it any more, and doesn’t promise to tone things down if she gets back in. This is a wise woman. She’s honest and played a good game, and was surprised when she made it to the final three without a strategy.

Now we’re up to season three, and Julie is coming to us from inside the new house. The living room, where the live evictions will take place, is covered in neon flames on the walls. I haven’t decided yet if I like it or not – it all seems rather dark. Anyway, our season three nominees are:

Marcellas. No surprise there. I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I like Marcellas. Yeah, I know, he made a bone-headed move when he didn’t use the veto to save himself, but he’s got a good heart and I think he’d be very entertaining in the house. The montage of clips shows Marcellas looking in the mirror and lamenting how good-looking he is. He says that he and Amy were outcasts who were used to being the centre of attention, which brought them very close together.

After the clip of veto-gate, we get to see Julie slap Marcellas upside the head with her cue cards, not once, but twice. Heehee. Classic. He says that he made a mistake in trusting his alliance with Jason, and now he wants to go back into the house to correct an error. I think it’s a given that he’ll get that chance.

Lisa. Lisa calls herself the “party girl in the bathing suit”, but thinks she is best known for the peanut butter bikini. Meh. She talks a bit about her relationship with Eric the firefighter (not to be confused with Eric the Midget Firefighter from season 6, ’cause he’s married and icky), and how she knew that he would be the one to be evicted when they were on the block together.

Lisa says that everyone tells her that she rode on coattails to get to the end and eventually win, and she says that she did indeed. She sat back and watched as everyone else hated on each other, and says that she was “grateful for those coattails”. This time, however, she wants to go in and really play the game. I don’t know – I kinda liked her at the time, but she’s not exactly the most exciting person to watch.

Danielle. People either love to hate her or hate to love her. She regrets that she was so real and raw in the diary room (cue clips of diary room footage), and says that the “countdown” each week wasn’t out of arrogance, it was just a way to keep herself focused on her goal.

Danielle made it through to the final two because of her secret alliance with Jason. She says that no one could have known about it, or the two of them wouldn’t have made it to the final three without being nominated. They each worked a different side of the house, and then compared notes. Danielle wants back in the house for one reason: redemption.

Julie Chen is now on the set of The Brady Bunch. What? Oh wait, it’s the new BB house kitchen. Sorry, my bad. She says that over the past seasons, many houseguests complained about the peanut butter and jelly diet (like Monica, perhaps?), but this time they are in for a “treat” that will have them begging for PB&J. Squee! What could it possibly be?

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