|— Christina M. Rau / GatsbyGirl
Take five rock Gods from separate groups and generations. Put them in a gaudy house. Tell them to write songs and prepare for a show that’s eleven days away. Bring in a manager who one of the guys had a serious fallout with. Bring in all the wives and fiancées and girlfriends, two PR people, and a hottie personal chef. How can this possibly not be entertaining? VH1 has hit the mark with Super Group.
The drummer is [u]Jason Bonham[/u]. He thinks that most people know him as the legacy of John Bonham. True. But the younger Bonham is a kickass drummer. He’s in Foreigner. He’s soft spoken for the most part. He gets along with everyone. He’s the Voice Of Reason. Unfortunately, he also has to leave for two out of the ten or so days to go on tour with his own group because they have immoveable concert dates. It’s interesting to see what happens when Voice Of Reason Bonham leaves for just 48 hours. That includes seeing a human beat box get booed out of the house by the other guys in the band. Heehee. He also has a problem with numbness in his hand; not exactly the greatest ailment a drummer could have.
[u]Scott Ian[/u] is becoming incredibly well-known in this reality world. He’s one of the regular bitch-and-moaners on Best Week Ever and all those countdown shows. He makes fun of everyone for selling out. And now? He’s on his own reality tv show. But I think that this is the acceptable kind of sell-out because he gets to live out his dream and be in a band with Ted Nugent. One morning, when the Nuge (pronounced Noooj—that’s so what I’m calling him from now on) is in self-proclaimed hunting mode when he wakes up at 4:30 AM, he gets up early and blasts the American National Anthem. Scott Ian says, “I’m lying in a bed listening to Ted Nugent play the National Anthem.” Then his smile gets real big as if to say, “I can now die a very happy man.” He’s genuinely giddy about the whole experience. He has a very obvious non-sexual crush on the Nuge. Now if only he’d shave off the pube-goatee he’s got ravishing his chin, and all would be right with Scott Ian.
Plus, Scott Ian has good taste in houses which shows when he points out exactly how horrible the décor is in the house they all have to live in. He calls it the ugliest house he’s ever had to live in. It’s kinda like Trump’s house, only The Donald (still don’t understand why that’s his nickname) had his house gold-plated so while it’s gaudy, it’s also expensive. This house is just gaudy. Tacky. Ugly. In a very funny way. Also in good taste, his fiancée is Pearl, the daughter of Meatloaf. Pearl is one awesome chick.
[u]Sebastian Bach[/u] loves Sebastian Bach. I mean, who doesn’t? He rocked in Skid Row. I was obsessed with Skid Row. A lot of my old friends who didn’t share my love for metal and hard rock still liked Skid Row because of “18 and Life,” “I Remember You” and because of Sebastian. He’s very loveable. Unless you see him on reality tv. Sebastian Bach loves being center of attention. Sebastian Bach is his own biggest fan. Sebastian Bach needs some V05 deep conditioning ASAP. And he needs to wear a shirt more often. No one wants to see the undefined chest of a fourteen year old boy attached to a 40 year old man. He also paradoxically lies in that gender bender realm as he can put on eyeliner like a pro.
Probably the most sobering moment for Sebastian is when he’s in a store and he’s trying to explain to these two women who he is and why he’s famous. He sings a few chords of “I Remember You” and the women shake their heads, giggling that they just don’t know it. Finally, he says, “You know the band on ‘The Gilmore Girls’ and the guy who plays guitar?” They nod. “Well that’s me! I’m that guy!” Then he interviews that his life as a metal God has come down to identifying himself as the bit part player on the WB. Heeheeheee. But he’s not upset about it. He takes it all in stride. I think a lot of his bravado is in this tongue in cheek fashion. I mean, he also rocked as RiffRaff on Broadway in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” and we got some really cool pictures of him; my friend who posed with him said he smelled like a six pack of old beer, but he’s still cool.
Plus he’s smart. He knows his way around a laptop to put together a song. He’s talented. He can sing. A lot like Vince Neil from Motley Crue, Sebastian has one of those one-of-a-kind voices that is unmistakable and very real. Despite all that, his tongue in cheek bravado can be a bit much. Okay, more than a bit. Sometimes Sebastian needs to not love himself so much.
Do you know any songs from the group Biohazard? Neither do I. However, the bassist is [u]Evan Seinfeld[/u] from Biohazard. He’s a shorter guy (at least I think he’s shorter, but everyone is standing next to Sebastian), he’s covered in tattoos, and he sings with a paralyzed vocal chord. He claims that he’s really becoming a lyricist these days which is interesting when he and Sebastian come up with the lyrics something along the lines of “soulless confusion” or “restless solution”—they sing it about a hundred times, Evan focusing on the desperation in the voice and Sebastian claiming, “I’m just trying to find a note.” Ha!
Oh, and did I mention that Evan is now a pornographer? Your name is Seinfeld and you’re a pornographer. That’s just wrong. I’m not saying that porn is wrong. I have a deep admiration for the porn industry. Okay, maybe I don’t, but I also don’t have a huge heeping Jerry Falwell problem with it. To each his own, and if his own involves a video camera and nudity, then so be it. But if your name is Seinfeld, sorry, you need to either go into comedy or change your name. You have Jerry Seinfeld comedy genius to thank for that. Unless you do comedic porn. Hmm, an interesting project to look into.
Now we’ve come to the point where we must discuss, in depth, [u]Ted Nugent[/u], or as I now like to call him The Nuge. Or maybe I should just spell it The Nooooj. Yup, I think that’s it. That makes me feel better because The Nooooj is a hard character to swallow. After his own show about killing innocent animals, did we really need him on another reality show? Yes. Because he is entertainment. After the personal chef points out that he likes to toot his own horn, he says that it’s a permanent feature and he can’t be untooted.
His interaction with the pretty blonde chef with the accent is priceless. The personal chef is there simply [i]because[/i] she’s blonde and pretty and they need someone for Ted Nugent to objectify in a very male chauvinist way.
The main hardship of the group is the group name. Voice Of Reason Bonham suggests SG for Super Group and they all immediately crush it down. In favor of suggestions like Venison and Celebutard. Sebastian should sing and not speak. Then, a day later, they decide on SuperGroup because that’s how people will refer to them anyway, so why fight it? Umm, didn’t you just waste an entire discussion because Voice Of Reason Bonham came up with that one yesterday?
And how fantastic is this—once they finally decide on it half-heartedly but glad to get it done, Doc tells them that it can’t be Super Group. HAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!!! So they brainstorm and Sebastian who should not come up with ideas comes up with Fist. Oh how I love the editors of this show. When Sebastian says Fist, the editors freeze frame a fist on the screen with the word F I S T next to it. Then they all rally around the name, building on each other’s agreement. Sebastian shouts out that it would look really cool in the Kiss font. Enter the editors—they freeze frame a fist with FIST written in the KISS logo next to it. This is pure ridiculousness.
Just when you think it can’t get any better than this, Voice Of Reason Bonham comes home and finds a CD of their finished song on his bed. He says, “It says FIST on it, and I hope that’s not the name of the band.” HAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Then, one day later, they all decide they hate the name and still are a nameless super group. With a song that they love but Doc the manager does not. The lyrics are so so so incredibly 1989 Moscow Music Peace Festival as Doc McGhee points out. I love Doc only because I know that he used to work with Motley Crue and I love Motley Crue, especially Vince Neil. I’ve never been a Tommy Lee fan. I guess when it comes to them, you have to choose a side, and I’m with Vince all the friggin way. Tommy needs to get over himself. Fast.
Probably the BEST part about the show is that they constantly talk about Bon Jovi. And, for those of you who aren’t aware of it, BON JOVI IS THE BEST GROUP TO EVER WALK THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I would go on to explain, but I don’t like being redundant, and that statement speaks for itself.
[b]And THIS is why I love reality tv[/b]: Celebrities become real people, and in that realism, humanity comes out in its rawest form. We see that rock stars are a bit prissy, sometimes self-centered, love their significant others, and are sometimes fascinated by porn or hunting, but aren’t we all?
These are men who I once thought were gods. Well, not Evan Seinfeld, but the others sure. That was at a time when I also thought my brother was the coolest guy around, and because of that, I listened to his music. Which was metal and hard rock. So I was a headbanger in my early years.
Now that we’ve grown up, my brother is still a cool guy, but we both listen to music other than metal. However, we still reminisce. And now I can share with him the secret that these men are not gods, they are “rock gods” which is very different. They live in their own world, living out their own fantasies, and Super Group shows that they aren’t untouchable. Plus, it’s the closest I’ll ever get to being a groupie.