|by Darla Kitt
The last competition episode of American Idol this season pitted dewy-eyed Katherine against jumping-bean Taylor, and they both came out swingin’. They each performed 3 songs: two of their previous performance numbers and their respective “debut single” should they take the AI crown.
Katherine kicked off the show with a repeat of “Black Horse in a Cherry Tree,” complete with the pair of dude drummers, but she spent less than half of the time on her knees, gyrating around the floor, which was much better than the last time she sang this. Of course, I would have preferred she remain on her feet, but who the hell am I, right? It was fairly obvious she was sexing it up in an effort to recruit some guy voters, showing off a little McTummy in her sheer blouse, with a “you’re supposed to see it” black bra underneath. She sounded as good as she did the last time she sang it, but I agreed with Simon that it was a tad safe.
Taylor came out on a shot of adrenaline, wearing a fabulous magenta, velvet smoking jacket, which only he could pull off properly. He sang “Living for the City,” one of his best, but I felt like he was playing up his Taylor-ness a little too much, instead of just being his fun-loving self. I was like, “Whoa, buddy. Let’s relax a little. Calm yourself down, it’s only the first song. Let’s save something for later.” I don’t know if it was nervous energy or what, but he was acting a little too crazy, even for him, and I was hoping he didn‘t just blow his load for the whole show.
I totally understand why Kat chose to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” for the finale, as most consider it her all-time best performance, and of course she’d want to pull out the big guns for this important night, but she just sang it last week, which made it a little boring for me. Don’t get me wrong, it was a terrific performance, but just kinda like a re-run. I was tempted to get up and go into the kitchen for more ice cream, like “eh, saw this last week, sure it’ll be the same, no need to watch again.” I stuck around, though, to discover it was nothing more than a replay, with the same doe-eyed gazing, slick shiny lip gloss, and almost the same outfit, too.
“Levon” was the legendary song that made Simon eat his words about Taylor never making it into the finals, so it was no surprise that he’d choose to sing it on the big night, like giving a big “F you” to Judge Cranky-pants. He started off looking a little stiff (was our Silver Fox nervous on his last night of performances?), but riled it up and did another fantastic job of it in his slick charcoal suit. What can I say? I f**king love this guy.
After the repeat performances, we were treated to the new songs that will be gracing the airwaves of a radio near you, should they win. I felt a little bad for Katherine, because her song, called “My Destiny,” was pretty stupid, which was not her fault. I don’t know who wrote this piece of sh*t, but it was bad. Kat did the best she could, but as we all know, you just can’t polish a turd. The tone was too deep for her voice in certain parts, and she hit some excruciatingly screechy high notes at the end. I mean, she really f**ked up the end, and it looked like she knew it. And her skintight silver dress? It looked like the stylists spray-painted it on her, you could see every lump and bump of her ass, and I don’t mean that in a good way. She’s a gorgeous young woman, there was no need to try to fit her into a dress two sizes too small. Buy the girl some clothes that fit, for Chrissakes.
Although also somewhat cheesy, Taylor’s single, “Do I Make You Proud,” was a much better tune. At first it was a little too soft and deep for him, but he kicked into gear halfway through and ended up grooving. The signature Taylor emotion tugged at my heartstrings, and I almost yelled out loud “Yes, Taylor! I am proud! I’m damn f**king proud!” He even hit a power note at the end! I predict that song will be stuck in my head for days. Oh, and can I just mention how f**king cute Taylor’s dad is? So cute, I can’t even stand it. No wonder Taylor’s such a sweetheart.
There were a handful of celebrities at the performance finale. I noted Mandy Moore (who looked kinda yucky), Ben Stiller, Christina Applegate, and I think I saw Celine Dion and Tori Spelling, although their names weren’t flashed on the screen. King Cheeseball, Constantine was there, sucking up his former Idol-glory. He still irritates me.
Results Show – Another Crown is Handed Down
There were more celebs at the Results Finale show, but I didn’t bother to note them all because I was busy drinking and yelling at the TV at the AI Finale Party I was attending with a few fellow AI dorks. Likewise, since I had been drinking for a few hours, I didn’t take horribly great notes during the show, but will write what I generally remember. Honestly, I’m sure most of you don’t really give a sh*t, because all you wanna know is who won, which is really all I cared about too. The two hours of bullsh*t preceding the results were mostly stupid and annoying.
The Top 12 came out and sang with last year’s winner, Carrie Underwood, all dressed in heavenly white. I don’t remember what they sang, a silly production number of some sort. Paris then came out with one of her favorite artists, Al Jarreau, to sing “We’re in This Love Forever.” She looked cute as always, with giant curls in her hair and did a good job. Chris also sang with one of his fave bands, Live. I don’t know the song, but I was fascinated by the disturbing “bizarre-o world” twins thing going on. Chris and the lead singer of Live had matching bald heads! They even did synchronized movements. It was a little weird.
To play on dumb-girl Kellie’s ignorance of fine cuisine, the producers created a recurring mini “show,” called Puck and Pickler, where world-famous chef Wolfgang Puck tried to feed Kellie. The first option was escargot, which Wolfy explained were snails. Kellie turned up her nose in disgust and acted like a bratty little kid, spitting the snail into her napkin and throwing it on the floor, while saying, “Mmm, that was really guuud!” Stupid bitch.
Katherine also got to sing with a famous artist, who turned out to be Meatloaf. Meatloaf? For real? He’s gross. They sang “When You Touch Me Like This,” which I guess was okay, but I really don’t like Meatloaf because he sings the most annoying song ever made, that one about going all the way and will you love me forever, juxtaposed with a baseball announcer talking about getting to each “base.” Plus, he chose the name “Meatloaf” as his professional moniker, which is perplexing. Who thinks, “Yes, if I am to be famous I want to be known as a white trash dinnertime staple, cheap yet filling, whose leftovers make excellent sandwiches, eaten cold on doughy white bread, with lots o’ ketchup?” I mean, I like meatloaf – the food. In fact, I made it for dinner just the other night and it was lovely. I put a little A-1 in it for an extra dash of flavor and some garlic salt … but, as a NAME? There’s a reason no singer chose to be called “Tuna Noodle Casserole,” dude. Cause naming yourself after supper food is just dumb. Anyway, Kat did a nice job, but it was painful to see her up there with the Loaf. I felt like I was watching Beauty and the Beast. Although I will acknowledge the guy was good in Rocky Horror.
We were also treated to the new creation of The Golden Idol Awards. Now, these awards are intended to be a sarcastic spoof of awards shows, naming outrageous former Idol hopefuls as “Outstanding Female Vocal”, etc. For that category, the nominees were a Sierra, a Crystal (the beat-up looking stripper gal with the disturbingly dark suntan), and Princess Brewer, who sealed her fate by claiming to sound like Aretha Franklin at the auditions and then sucking ass hard. She won the award, but was not present to accept.
The nominees for Outstanding Male Vocal were Marlos Davis (?), Derek Dupree (?), and that crazy lunatic Dave Hoover, who won and was there to accept, flailing and twirling around the stage, making strange noises and being a little scary.
Part 2 of “Puck and Pickler” consisted of Kellie being scared away from the table by a pair of live lobsters, causing her to knock over her chair and freak out a little. Wolfgang teased her by shoving the crustaceans at her, while she shrieked and jumped around. Kellie then proceeded to poke at one of the lobsters, who I’m sure wished his claws weren’t clamped shut so he could pinch the sh*t outta her. I know that’s how I woulda felt.
Then there was a “guy” medley, with the Top 12 guys dressed in all black, starting off singing “Taking Care of Business.” Taylor rocked his harmonica and I don’t remember the rest of the songs. As I’ve said before, I hate medleys, and I was too busy noting how gross Elliott still looks. Maybe even grosser.
The stupid Ford commercial of the week featured a montage of clips of all the other Ford commercials, with “Don’t Stop” playing in the background. I, for one, DO want them to stop making these ridiculous commercials and am happy this is the last one. Oh, and then two Ford Mustangs are shown on the screen, one black and one red, which are presented to Kat and Taylor. Yay.
The next Golden Idol Award is given for the proudest family moment. Clips are shown of Elliott and his frazzled mama during the homecoming motorcade, Kat’s weepy daddy, and Chris’ wife, who got teary talking about how this is his dream and he deserves it because of all he’s done for her and her kids. Well, as my fellow AI dork and co-worker, Tracey suggested, the wife better not wish for that too hard, because as soon as he makes it big “he’s gonna drop your fat ass like a lead balloon, honey.” Just a suggestion.
Anyway, Elliott’s mom won and was presented the big gold award by Ryan. I would go into some detail about how it’s not surprising that Elliott is so revolting by the looks of his mom and how it is very likely the two of them inhabit the underside of a bridge together, but another AI friend yelled at me in a drunken daze that I better not write bad stuff about “his mother,” cause it’s disrespectful, so consider me censored. However, I’m sure most savvy readers can figure out what I’d like to write and go from there. Why am I allowing myself to be censored by this friend? Well, first she’s a lawyer, and second, she gets a little nasty when she’s drunk. I’ve heard she bites.
I was then horrified to see the troll come out onto the stage to sing “One Love” by U2. And he was smiling his disgusting, too many teeth for his mouth, smile. I almost choked on my nachos. Tracey wondered if Bono was gonna come out and sing with him, but I felt that it would be more likely for Bono to come out and beat the sh*t outta him for screwing up his song and looking so ugly while doing so. In fact, there was no Bono appearance, instead Mary J. Blige (disguised as “The Fly” in large, white-framed sunglasses) came out and, luckily, totally took over the performance, sounding fabulous and drowning out Elliott.
Then Carrie performed a dumb country song, looking like “Redneck Barbie” with long flowing blonde curls. Her voice was nice as always, but I’m not a big fan of contemporary country, finding all the songs sound pretty much the same.
The Randy Jackson Eloquence Award went to the infamous Ronetta, the large lady who sashayed into the auditions wearing the silver sequined tube top and silver spaceman boots, and stalked out cussing like a sailor. They had a Ronetta lookalike accept the award, swearing and getting all aggressive. Poor girl.
Finally, Taylor did his thing, singing Elvis’ “In the Ghetto” again, yet another powerful, emotional performance. Toni Braxton joined him, and had me cackling with laughter. She sang her parts very, very low, and very throaty, and sounded like a dude. I know she has a good voice, but damn, what was she trying to do up there? I thought I was watching a drag queen.
Since there was a “guy medley,” of course there had to be a “girl medley,” with Katherine starting off with the most irritating Shania Twain song ever, “Man I Feel Like a Woman.” The ladies of the Top 12 danced around in their black outfits and also did bits and pieces of “Trouble” (way better than Elliott’s version) and “I’m Every Woman,” which made miss Mandisa’s fabulousness all the more. I almost forgot how good she is.
The next Golden Idol Award was for the Best Celebrity Impersonation, nominees being Kenneth who did a hilarious Cher, Seth who tried the Michael Jackson thing, and Michael who tried to mimic Clay Aiken, but had to pee during his audition. After Simon let him “go,” he came back and still sucked. But he won and was there to sing for us, overcoming shock and awe as Clay himself joined him onstage to perform. I had a harder time overcoming my shock and awe of Clay’s horrendous hairdo. Was it a wig? Was it a dead animal? Was it just a really bad dye job? Whatever it was, it was not working for him. The long, straggly goth kid look was not flattering on sweet-faced Clay. He looked like a wild-eyed serial killer up there.
More group medley time, with the Top 12 joining Burt Bacharach to sing some of his classics. The ladies were all in red this time and I guess they were okay, but I was getting damn sick and tired of all the bullsh*t by this point and turned my attention to the selection of snacks spread out on my friend’s coffee table. Dionne Warwick came out to sing “That’s What Friends Are For” and another song or two with the Idols, but I could only focus on how large her nostrils are. Have you ever noticed that? They’re f**king huge! I bet that lady never gets congested.
The last Golden Idol Award went to the best male bonding. Nominees were Ace and Chris, whose clips of closeness looked a little gay, which was disturbing, Ryan and Taylor, laying down on the stage together, and the three cowboys from Hollywood, also known as the Brokenote Cowboys. They won and performed the classic country tune, “Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys.” The former dork-I-loved, Garet, didn’t get any better, and a more appropriate song choice would have been “Mamas, Don’t Let Your Cowboys go on American Idol.”
I was quite exasperated by this point in the show and just wanted the RESULTS dammit!! I was f**king fed up with being jerked around with all of the crap. There is no reason in hell for this show to be dragged out to 2 f**king hours when all we care about could be accomplished in five minutes. So I was bitching and griping and getting all pissy, downing another couple beers and chain-smoking with irritation until …
Until … Prince! F**king Prince! On the Idol stage in all of his purple suited glory. Oh, my god I was freaking the f**k out. I love that man! I’ve loved him since I was a kid in the ‘80’s, playing the Purple Rain album over and over and over again, learning all the words to “I Would Die 4 U” and dreaming of becoming the next Apollonia. Prince is one sexy little man and I’d do him in a second. Yes, he’s short and yes, he’s a bit effeminate, but that’s not his allure. For all his girliness and fascination with the color purple and lacy, ruffly plumage, you can tell just by looking at him that he knows his way around a woman, and that is horribly attractive. Plus, he’s an amazing musician and songwriter. Mad respect for the Prince, and I was surprised to see him.
After the Prince performance, I was recharged and all revved up again for the results. Finally, finally, finally, after Taylor and Kat sang the Dirty Dancing classic, “Time of My Life” we got down to business and the dude in charge of the voting brought out the magic envelope. I poured a round of champagne for the partygoers and sat clutching my bubbly-filled tumbler (we don’t need no fancy glasses) in eager anticipation.
And … Taylor is our next American Idol! Holy sh*t! What an upset. We cheered and had a toast to the fabulous gray-haired guy! I am so very happy he won. It’s so nice to have an odd duck as our winner, someone who is actually a little bit interesting, with an outrageous personality and oodles of charm. I can’t wait to hear his first album and see what he can do.
So, cheers to another successful season of American Idol! The only thing left is to catch the Top 10 on tour, and you can bet I’ll be there, drooling over Ace’s fine ass, screaming for Taylor and Mandisa, and waving as many rude and insulting signs as I can carry for Elliott. I hope to see many of you there and look forward to next season, writing again for this terrific website and spewing as much snarkiness and sass as ever! See you all in 2007.