|by Darla Kitt
This week we were treated to a trio of performances by the final three contestants. For Round #1, the songs were chosen by legendary music He-Man, Clive Davis, and he picked a bunch of clunkers.
I can’t understand why he chose Journey’s “Open Arms” for Elliott, unless it was a subtle sabotage, because he botched it on every level. The AI troll couldn’t seem to get out the correct note on the “arms” part of the chorus, making it sound like he was choking. On the first chorus, I thought he just may have screwed it up, but when he made the same gurgling sound on the second and third time around, it was clear that he just couldn’t get it right. Again, the creepy eyes were on in full force, his blank stare giving me the willies. Grody man needs to f**king blink every once in a while, and could also use a hedge-trimming eyebrow wax.
The big man chose “I Believe I Can Fly” for Katherine, which I also find to be a bit of a mystery. It wasn’t a good song for her, and she didn’t even really sing it, kinda throwing in some lyrics here and there over the background singers and raising her arms a lot. I much prefer the Me First and the Gimme Gimme’s cover of this song, as I strongly believe the R. Kelly version was begging for someone to properly make fun of it. However, the McCleavage was back, and Kat looked stunning in her slinky turquoise satin dress.
I was pretty excited when I heard that Clive chose a Bruce Springsteen tune for Taylor, until I heard it was “Dancing in the Dark.” Dammit! I was hoping for “Born to Run” or “Glory Days,” but Taylor took on Clive’s choice in a terrific, gritty fashion. I was also impressed to learn that Mr. Davis personally made the call to the Boss, asking permission for Taylor to do his thing, and creating a footnote in the AI history books, with the first Springsteen number ever covered on the show. Anyway, Taylor was full of energy, as usual, even pulling Paula up and dancing around with her towards the end of the song. It was quite entertaining, but as he finished up, it sounded like he got a little winded, which weakened his ending. But it was fun, so what the hell, right?
Round #2 was judges choice and they did a terrific job, except for Paula. She picked “What You Won’t Do For Love” for her precious pet, her “funky white boy,” idiot Elliott. Again, I got some confirmation on the drug usage, because there’s no way in hell she could REALLY think Elliott’s got soul. Those meds must be messin’ with her brain. Seriously. Every time he sings, she’s up outta her seat, moving and gyrating and swaying like a lunatic. I assume she’s dancing to the music or voices in her head, because Elliott’s white bread performances could never induce such crazed gyrations. Randy and Simon must know the deal, ‘cause they stare at her like she’s f**king nuts. During this performance, Elliott grossed me out even more, doing the icky puckered fish lips and disturbing smile-face, exposing those nasty-ass teeth. Blech.
Simon chose “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” for Katherine, which turned out to be nothing less than genius, because she blew everyone away with her beautiful voice, singing the song in its purest form. I was annoyed to see her on the floor again, but at least she stayed still for the most part this time, avoiding the crawling around and suggestive pumping of her pelvis. Her sparkly “ruby slippers” were a very nice touch, and the numerous close-ups on her face allowed the viewers to see the tenderness that glimmered in her eyes. And damn, that girl’s got some great f**king lashes! I wonder what mascara she uses? If her singing career tanks, Maybelline better snatch her up for some Great Lash commercials.
For Taylor, Randy chose “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker, and of course Taylor knocked it outta the park. You could see the emotion in his face. The performance was powerful, sensitive, touching, passionate, everything a great love song should be. It was so nice to see that ultra-appealing tender side of Taylor again, reminding me just how much I f**king love this guy. Even Simon was impressed, citing it as his best performance thus far. Aww, Simon! See, he’s not so bad.
In the Final Round, the contestants chose their own songs, having carte blanche to pick any song ever made in any genre. Elliott attempted the funky Ray Charles number “I Believe to My Soul,” which was horrible, because Elliott is just so NOT funky. The lyrics again clashed with his wussy-boy personality and I actually started laughing out loud when he sang the line “I think I’m gonna have to use my rod.” Use his ROD? Was he talking about his penis? Ha ha ha! Like it must be so intimidating. Yeah right. For some reason, I get the impression that Elliott has more of a teeny weenie than an imposing “rod.” Some of the lyrics worked for him, though. Because I totally believe someone has at some point probably tried to make a fool outta him, and it probably worked because he’s such a f**king moron.
Kat was working the cheap hooker look for her song pick, “I Ain’t Got Nothing But the Blues,” in a short black baby-doll dress and knee-high stripper boots, strutting around the stage, putting on a sexy show. Alright, girlfriend, I know I said you gotta show off those McBoobs to rake in the guy votes, but damn, let’s try to keep it under control. This is a family show, you know. She sounded okay, not great. I just don’t quite buy her blues vibe. She’s just too milk toasty wholesome. As one of my favorite radio personalities pointed out (Robin Quivers on Howard Stern), Kat is like the Kathie Lee Gifford of American Idol. And it did kinda sound like that.
Taylor closed the show with a super rendition of Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness.” Now, this song has been very near and dear to my heart ever since I fell in love with Duckie lip-synching this song to Molly Ringwald in the record store in the movie Pretty In Pink. It’s painful to think that many of you may be unfamiliar with this fine film, but as a child of the 80’s it is one of the movies that molded my young mind into who I am today. And I’m not joking. So, if you haven’t seen it, go rent it right now!! Well, finish reading my commentary first, then go.
Anyway, in the movie Duckie thrashes around the store, lip-synching like a madman, pounding on things and getting himself all worked up. It’s the greatest, and I’ve been known to do a drunken impression of this routine in a handful of bars, when the song comes on and I’m feeling so inclined to make an ass of myself in public. After reading this disclosure, you can imagine my extreme delight in watching Taylor take it on and do a smashing job, complete with Duckie-like dance moves. Oh, and he sounded great doing it, too.
I was nervous as hell going into Results Night, every finger crossed that TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT Elliott is sent packing. Of course, it was drawn out all to hell, with a recap of the performances, then the stupid Ford commercial of the week, a ridiculous affair of Elliott, Taylor and Katherine made up to look like old folks, doing a rap version of “Young at Heart,” while they got all jiggy with it at an elderly pool party or some sh*t. Just. Plain. Dumb.
Then we got to see the Idols at their hometown homecomings and all of the crazy celebrations and media events. Taylor was on local radio and TV shows, was in a parade thrown in his honor, got the key to the city, played a few gigs with his band, met the governor of Alabama (and made him and the first lady honorary members of the Soul Patrol), and performed for what looked like a million people packed into a shopping mall.
Virginia welcomed Elliott back with TV and radio spots, then he went to visit his old job at a pharmacy, performed in downtown Richmond, met the governor, and rode in a motorcade with his frazzled-looking mama to the stadium to throw the first pitch at a baseball game.
Katherine’s homecoming was a little less crazed, as she’s from L.A. and apparently most people who live there are too jaded to give a sh*t or too cool to show that they give a sh*t. But she was also on local radio and TV shows, took a helicopter ride, visited her alma mater: Notre Dame High School, and had a party at the McParents’ house. I was a little disappointed to see that she didn’t get to meet Cali governor Arnold Swartzenegger, or The Gover-nator, but I guess he’s too busy trying to keep up that outrageous accent and kicking out Mexicans.
Then they each sang their respective songs off of the American Idols Encores CD. I wasn’t really paying attention, as I just wanted to get to the results, but I did take note that Elliott sang “Moody’s Mood for Love,” Kat did “Think,” and Taylor rocked out “Taking it to the Streets.” Quick summary: Elliott sucked hard, Kat was good, and Taylor was wonderful.
Finally, after all this bulls*t, we got down to business with the results. The margins of victory were razor thin, with the percentages of votes being split into 33.68%, 33.26%, and 33.06%. I was on the edge of my seat, staring at the screen, anticipation coursing through my veins and making me all giddy. In my head, the words “it’s gotta be Elliott, it’s gotta be Elliott, please let it be Elliott” were on a continuous loop, until finally the giant 33.06% was whisked off the screen to reveal the name … Elliott Yamin!! WOO HOO!! YEAH, BITCH!! I leapt off the couch and screamed with ecstasy … and knocked over my beer bottle, spilling the sh*t all over my carpet. But I didn’t even care! As I was yelling and jumping around, the Murphy dog joined me, barking wildly and bouncing around himself, only stopping for a moment to lap up the frothy brew on the carpet. We are both most pleased with this turn of events, and utterly delighted to have Taylor and Katherine as our fabulous final two!
I can only reiterate that I don’t understand why Elliott made it as far as he did, but finally common sense prevailed and I will no longer have to tolerate this troll. Did he sing well? Sometimes, but that’s just not enough nowadays. No one wants an ugly, creepy stalker with the personality of a toilet plunger and the teeth of a Neanderthal as our American Idol. So, buh-bye. See you at the pharmacy counter, Trolliott.
Next week is the big night, and I can’t wait to see what tricks are left up our contestants sleeves. Who’s got the power? Soul Patrol or the McFans? And what kind of ridiculous production numbers are lined up for the finale? I can only imagine. Stay tuned!