|by Darla Kitt
As a f**king huge Elvis fan, I was totally tickled to see the Idols rehearsing inside Graceland this week, at the very piano the King himself used, with guidance from former Sony Music head Tommy Mottola. As Priscilla Presley gave them the grand tour of the house, I couldn’t help but notice that she’s starting to look a little rough around the edges. She was always so beautiful that it made me sad to see her so stiff and, honestly, looking a little gothed out. Lisa Marie, on the other hand, looked fabulous, as she cruised around the grounds of her papa’s palace with the Idols in a golf cart. She looks so much like the King, that dammit, she shoulda been a boy!
Anyway, I had a feeling that this would be a rockin’ night for Taylor, and it was. He was working those legs hard with the Elvis dance moves, and got everybody all riled up with his rendition of “Jailhouse Rock.” His shiny, burgundy suit reminded me of the old sharkskin suits of Elvis’ youth, and gave him a stylish old-school look. I was only wishing those stylists could have fashioned his fantastic gray hair into a pompadour for the occasion. Taylor’s second song choice of “In the Ghetto” was indeed perfect for him. Now, this song makes me tear up anyway, and his performance of it gave me goosebumps. It’s a very poignant and tender tale of social ills, and he sang it with passion and sincerity, while putting his distinctive Taylor spin on it. I believe he done the King proud.
Before Chris performed, we were treated to some info about his undies-of-choice, boxer briefs. Hmmm. That’s great, but I for one was not chomping at the bit to find out what he wears underneath it all. I suppose some Chris-fans were tittering with delight at the revelation, but whatever. He came out sporting a pair of signature Elvis aviator shades, which kinda made him look like a fly, you know, with the big bald head and all, but it was nice to see him giving a nod to the King’s style. Why he chose to pair those cool specs with a black ski parka, I’ll never know. Anyhoo, his performance of “Suspicious Minds” was smooth and strong, which was a relief because that’s one of my favorite Elvis tunes. Chris chose “A Little Less Conversation” as his second song, and knocked it outta the park. It’s a funky, sexy song, and he showed off a new, deeper, and very rich-sounding tone of his voice by singing it in a very seductive fashion. He looked much better in a simple, white button-down shirt and jeans, but FYI: next time he chooses see-through white, he should wear an undershirt, ‘cause you could totally see his nips.
Elliott pissed me off more than ever taking on Elvis songs, because not only was he ugly as ever, he was boring as hell, especially with his first choice of “I Can Dream.” This was a big number for Elvis, a show closer, that he performed with gusto. Tommy Mottola warned Elliott he better sing it with strength or risk sounding like he was singing at a bar mitzvah. Despite the ass-kissing praise of the judges, it sounded totally bar-mitzvah-like to me. I guess his voice was okay, but he showed no emotion, unless you count his crazy-eyed stares, which again made me quite nervous and uncomfortable. He is also growing more and more difficult to look at and his hair is woofin’. I guess the idea was to grow out his previously super-short ‘do to camouflage his jug-handle ears, but Christ, is it me or is he really starting to look like Teen Wolf? And not in the cute, Michael J. Fox kinda way. At the point in the song where he made the very gross fish-pucker lips, my sister and I both gasped in horror, “EWWW!!” We both find him decidedly icky.
So, for as boring as I found his first number, the second just pissed me off royally. Elliott is nowhere near cool enough to sing Elvis’ rebellious tune, “Trouble.” Yes, I’ll admit it sounded pretty good, but I just wasn’t buying those lyrics coming from his wussy-ass mouth. “Because I’m evil, my middle name is misery. Well I’m evil, so don’t you mess around with me.” I mean, come on! Who the f**k told him he could pull this off? Elliott just doesn’t strike me as the “bad boy” type, probably because bad boys are supposed to be tough, mysterious and very hot. Um, yeah, he’s not any of that. As far as I can tell from what we’ve learned about him, he’s a short, ugly, sickly mama’s boy who’s deaf in one ear, and that spells p-u-s-s-y, loud and clear.
Katherine disappointed me again this week, with her first attempt at a medley of “Hound Dog” and “All Shook Up.” A medley? Who sings medleys? I felt like I was watching “Elvis: The Musical!” at some backwoods dinner theater. Plus, she forgot some of the lyrics. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Elvis songs, but these two don’t exactly have difficult or complicated lyrics. The songs are pretty simple. Great, but simple. That’s part of the beauty, and she f**ked ‘em up. And turning away from the audience when she f**ked them up didn’t help. It just made it all the more noticeable that she was f**king up. The mic still works, whether she faces front or back. Kat chose “Can’t Help Falling in Love” as her second song, and she just messed with it too much. Like her rendition of “Against All Odds,” the arrangement was way off and she boogered it up with too many runs and off-keys. I know she was probably trying to “make it her own,” but she only succeeded in making it suck ass. That song is one of the greatest love songs of all time, tender and beautiful as is, and Kat’s voice is so great she should have just sung the damn song the way it was written. Her distinctive voice would have done the job for her. But she looked cute and stayed upright throughout her performances this week, although her covered-up McBoobies may have cost her some of the male vote.
The Results Show started off with recaps of the contestants’ performances, plus another quick look at their time at Graceland. I found the stupid Ford commercial of the week rather confusing. Katherine drove a Hybrid SUV up to a garage, then opened the garage door to find it full of crap. Taylor, Chris and Elliott came out in what looked like mechanic jumpsuits and proceeded to clean out the crap and turn the garage, Trading Spaces-like, into a jungle paradise, just so Kat could park the f**king car in it. Oh, and Kermit the Frog was sitting in the passenger seat. All of this was set to the Idols singing “Wonderful World.” What the lyrics of that song (trees of green, skies of blue, and all that sh*t) has to do with cleaning out a junky garage, I haven’t a clue.
Then we were made to suffer through the group song, a medley of Elvis hits. Now, let me remind you all that I’m a giant Elvis fan, but medleys are just so goddamn irritating. “Elvis: The Musical!” was back, with the Idols taking turns singing bits and pieces of a half dozen tunes. It looked like a sideshow act and was f**king awful.
Finally, after all that bullsh*t, they got down to business and arranged the contestants into two groups of two. Taylor and Elliott turned out to be the top vote-getters, with Chris and Katherine hanging at the bottom. At this point, I was certain Kat was getting kicked, but like a quick execution, Ryan blurted that Chris was going home. Poor guy looked like someone hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat, he was so stunned. I was pissed, not because Kat didn’t go, but that Elliott is staying. How the hell is he getting all these votes? Who the f**k is voting for this troll?
So now we’re down to three: Taylor, Katherine and Elliott. Next week they’ll be singing three songs each: one of their choosing, one picked by Randy, Paula and Simon, and one chosen by music producer Clive Davis. I’ll be praying every day that this will be the week we lose Elliott, because if he wins, so help me, I may never be able to watch this show again. And as Kat’s been skirting around the bottom, here’s a tip. No McBoobage = No McVotage, so dress accordingly. You got ‘em, girl, so you might as well use ‘em.