|by Darla Kitt
Well, Tuesday night’s show was a surprising combination of “Then and Now,” with the idols choosing songs from their birth year and this week’s Top 10 Billboard charts. I enjoyed the collage of baby pics of the contestants, which confirmed my theory that Elliott was odd-looking from birth. The night as a whole was a little weird, and I don’t know if I’m just getting jaded as hell or if the song choices were really as stupid as they appeared, but I was a bit baffled by some of their choices. However, I must admit that I don’t listen to “popular music” and was unfamiliar with most of the new songs. There is a reason why I don’t listen to new music, though. I don’t listen to new music because most of it sucks ass, and as such I found most of the new song choices pretty sucky.
Elliott started off the show with “On Broadway,” a song that I find annoying as f**k, but even more so when it’s sung by an unattractive idiot. He tried to dance again and looked stiff and uncoordinated. He also tried to pull off Taylor’s English teacher look in a tan blazer, which was definitely not working for him. I don’t know who chose his giant gold tie, but it was way too shiny. I think he may have stolen it from Austin Powers. Elliott did better with the dark suit (sans tie) for his second number, a song called “Home” that I’ve never heard before. He sang it pretty well, but the stalker thing was creeping me out again. As he sang, “I’ll be home tonight, I’m coming home” I couldn’t help but cringe at his “crazy eyes.” You know, like he’s gonna show up at an ex-girlfriend’s house with a machete or something? He’s gotta do something about that before someone takes out a restraining order on him, just in case.
Paris was born in 1988! Christ, that made me feel old. She chose a Prince song, “Kiss,” which I love, love, love, and did a surprisingly good job of it. It was very different, original, something I wouldn’t expect an Idol contestant to sing. Probably because of the racy lyrics, but she didn’t sing the really dirty parts anyway. I’ll definitely remember that performance. She also looked great in skinny Capri’s and a cute ruffle-neck top. Her second choice of a Mary J. Blige song was a mistake. She shouldn’t have tried to take on Mary, her voice is too distinctive. Her outfit during this round was an even bigger mistake. What the f**k was she thinking when she picked out those pants? “Oh, gold genie pants, perfect!” She looked like she belonged in a stage performance of 101 Arabian Nights with those billowing metallic pedal-pushers. Plus, they made her ass look HUGE.
Following Paris, Chris looked fabulous. He kept it simple, wearing all black with a heavy silver iron cross belt buckle and wallet chain. He sounded terrific, really rocking “Renegade” by Styx. I felt like I was actually watching a rock star perform. His facial expressions were perfect, his stage presence enormous. His second song, “I Dare You,” was definitely a little rough, like he was pushing his voice way too hard. What happened to those diaphragm exercises? I thought Andrea set him straight with that last week. Anyway, he didn’t have a big clothing change, just threw on that leather blazer that I can’t stand.
Katherine pulled another Scott Savol classic out of the closet, singing “Against All Odds.” I hate to say it, because I love Katherine like crazy and f**king hate the fat boy, but he did it better last year. She messed with the song too much and got tangled up in it. But she looked gorgeous in a black dress and classy black pumps, her hair sleek and pin-straight. I don’t know what the hell she was doing during her second number, a song called “Black Horse in a Cherry Tree,” but it sounded good. However, I was confused and distracted by her kneeling and crawling around on the floor, barefoot. I kept waiting for her to get up. But she stayed down there, bouncing and gyrating on her knees. Was that some kind of diaphragm exercise, too? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll make good fodder for a million teenage wet dreams.
My boy Taylor funked up the night with his take on “Play That Funky Music,” which was wildly entertaining. That should be his signature song, because he is by far the funkiest white boy around. His dancing legs were going full speed, as he wiggled and shook his way around the stage in a snazzy vintage ‘70’s-looking patterned shirt. He finished off by falling down on the stage, singing on his back, like the music just knocked him out. (again, diaphragm stuff?) Nobody could pull that song off like Taylor. I fell head over heels in love with him all over again, when he sang “Something” by the Beatles for his second number. It was simply beautiful. The tone of his voice was intoxicating, and seeing the tender, sensitive side of Taylor again gave me a major case of the warm fuzzies.
I was pretty sure going into Results Night that I knew who was getting kicked, and I was right. It was time for Princess P to pack up. No surprise and I don’t really care. I really liked her from the beginning, but it was time. It’s always tough when it gets down to this point, because everyone is pretty darn good. Before the results were announced, the five of them sang a dumb, inspirational song together. I’m not a fan of the group numbers. I find them cheesy and too “musical theater-like” for my taste. But I guess they have to fill up the time somehow.
Ford commercial of the week: The idols were driving around Hollywood looking at weird people. Then they got out of the car at the end in their own weird outfits. Why? I don’t f**king know.
Next week they’re going to Graceland!! (Elvis theme song playing in my head) Woo hoo! I was very excited to hear that, as I am a GIANT fan of the King. And as I’ve said from the get go, there’s something about Taylor that reminds me of fair Elvis, his voice, his eyes, his dancing legs, so I’m sure he’ll do a smashing job of whatever Elvis tune he takes on. On the other hand, if Elliott butchers a song by my beloved blue-eyed, black haired boy, he might have to take out a restraining order on me …