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Love Stinks – American Idol 5 Commentary and Results – Week 15


by Darla Kitt

This week was all about the love songs, and the Idols had some help from Andrea Bocelli, who I’ve deduced is some opera-type singer adored by the super-annoying Celine Dion, which makes me not very interested in finding out more about him. Also giving tips was producer David Foster. That guy wasn’t f**king around. He was telling it like it was, no sugar-coating when the Idols weren’t cutting the mustard during rehearsals. That was nice to see.

Katherine started off the show with a powerful performance of Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing.” Well, I thought it was powerful. The judges ripped her a new a**hole. I don’t know what they were listening to, but Kat’s voice sounded pretty damn great to me. And she looked fabulous in that floor-length yellow gown (showing lots ‘o boobage), with shimmering eye makeup and tousled curls. I caught a bit of panty-line when they filmed her from behind, though. So, stylists please keep that in mind for future reference.

(Rolling my eyes) Ugh, Elliott. Where the judges ripped Kat a new one, they were kissing and slobbering all over Elliott’s, which is so god-awfully gross to think about I almost gagged just writing that. Again, I am totally confused as to what they think is so great about this uggo. I guess he did OKAY, but his version of “A Song for You” did absolutely nothing for me. It was boring as sh*t and he injected way too many of those ridiculous “runs” for my taste. Plus, he makes some very creepy faces when he sings, and when he’s doing a love song it just makes the lovey lyrics sound perverse, like he’s a stalker singing to his chosen “target.” As for Paula’s crying jag, I could go on for a page and a half ranting about why she may have reacted that way, but in the spirit of brevity I’ll sum it up: If there was any doubts in my mind before that she is popping pills, after the boo-hoo fest over Elliott, I am now absolutely certain. She must be heavily medicated.

“Unchained Melody.” It’s a song that is guaranteed to be boring unless sung by The Righteous Brothers or someone who just got dumped, and Kellie proved that to a tee. The complete lack of emotion in her voice and blank stare turned the performance into a slow, painful experience for all. And that one high note? It was dumb. She’s dumb, and I for one am sick to death of her dumbness. Even the blind Andrea Bocelli knew she was blonde, and that’s kinda sad.

And then there was Paris, cute spunky Paris. Unfortunately, we didn’t see much of that spunk during her performance of Babs’ “The Way We Were.” Her flipped hairdo was adorable, and her outfit was cute and subdued. She sang the song like a seasoned pro, very controlled and stylized, and her voice sounded perfect, but there was something missing. The Paris spark, the spunk, the sassy-factor. There wasn’t anything exciting going on and I grew bored, found myself making a food-shopping list in my head while she was onstage. “Hey, Paris is on. Yawn. I can’t forget to buy toothpaste. And Ramen noodles. Toothpaste and Ramen. Maybe I should get another thing of coffee? Can’s halfway gone already. Oh, Paris is done. Yay.”

Taylor sang a favorite song of mine, “Just Once.” I know, it’s kinda 80’s and kinda cheesy, but it makes for a good shower-singing tune, you should try it. Anyway, I thought Taylor looked great, all slackered out in a just-sloppy-enough tux. However, as much as I love this boy, I was a little disappointed in the performance. It just coulda been so much better! He coulda totally rocked this song. Maybe he was having an off night. I don’t know, but there were only a few glimmers of that fiery Taylor emotion and it left me wanting more, more, more.

Chris definitely stole the show with his terrific rendition of Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman.” I guess David and Andrea’s idea of having him lay down to sing really worked, because he sounded great. Although his jacket seemed a little too long, the pinstripes looked dashing, and he put on quite a sexy show. Also, the accompanying acoustic guitars were a very nice touch.

I couldn’t help but wonder how Ace and Mandisa would’ve done with the love songs. I have a feeling they could’ve done a couple of showstoppers. I know Mandisa’s been gone for a few weeks already, but I still miss her. She had a sparkle and grace that the remaining Idols lack, and I wish every week she was back. Sigh. And the missing Ace left a big empty space in the show for me this week. I know, I know, no sense in crying over spilt milk, but dammit, I’m still pissed off about losing him!

The results show commercial wasn’t too bad this week, with the Idols doing a lame version of Blondie’s “Call Me.” The redeeming factor was that they were chasing around a little Boston Terrier mix, a shorter, fatter version of my Murphy dog. I’m a sucker for an ugly puppy-face, so that caught my attention. However, I’m still unclear as to how that related to a Ford. I don’t even remember seeing a car. Andrea Bocelli performed a song called “Because We Believe,” and I think he sang part of it in another language. Anyway, it was a yawner, like music played in a dentist’s office.

The Idols were divided into three groups of two: Katherine/Chris, who had the highest number of votes, Paris/Kellie, who had the lowest, and Taylor/Elliott, who were somewhere in the middle. This was the first time Kellie was riding at the bottom and she was sent packing. Apparently, no one picked Pickler this week. Instead, they kicked Pickler. Oh, well. I’m not losing any sleep over her. I’m glad she’s gone. The stupid routine was growing more annoying every week and I was happy to see that America also had enough of her idiotic personality. So, she’s free to go home to Grandpa and her job as a roller-skating waitress.

Next week, we look forward to the Idols singing two songs each: one from the year they were born and one from this week’s Top 10 Billboard Charts. I really, really hope they choose some more upbeat tunes, because the snooze-fest of the past few weeks is draining my enthusiasm. So, come on everybody, get off your asses and do something fun!

Darla and her Murphy dog also rant and rave about what’s cool in pet fashion on her doggie blog at www.pet-pet-blog.net. You can contact them both at DarlaKitt@realityshack.com.


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