home Archive And THIS Is Why I Love Reality TV: Unanimously Awesome, Almost

And THIS Is Why I Love Reality TV: Unanimously Awesome, Almost

— Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

The verdict is in and it’s unanimous—then again, I’m the only person on the jury so it has to be unanimous, but still. I unanimously declare “Unanimous” the most confusing show on television if you have not watched it from Day 1. I haven’t been this confused since “The Mole.” Now if that were on this season, it would take the title for most confusing. Since it’s not, we have “Unanimous.” Other than the confusion, it’s absolutely fantastic. Watch it for the fantasm or for the confusion or for both.

First off, as you may have read in Aurora’s recaps, this whole group of people is in a bunker that’s underground. So every single episode begins with the camera panning down past a cross-section of earth. Below the sky, below the sunshine, below the hills and knolls (I’m not quite sure what a knoll is, but I’m pretty sure they pan down past one), below grass, below dirt, below into the darkness, a silver, dark metal bunker lies. A coffin-like structure. No light. No clocks. No comforts of home. [i]Mwaahaahaaa[/i]. The set up is kinda like Big Brother Underground.

Here’s where the confusion sets in. The people in the bunker don’t know each other and must each vie for over a million dollars. But they start to find things out about each other but they themselves don’t know what the others are finding out. Then everyone lies about everything—from having testicular cancer to what they do for a living. Then everyone decides to vote for this one trucker dude who is really sweet and nice. Then the vote comes out and it’s not unanimous. But the vote will NEVER be unanimous because you can’t vote for yourself so it will be all votes for one person except for one. Which is why it makes no sense to call this show unanimous. It should be called Almost Unanimous or Majority Rules.

Then we have outcasts. They need to wear gray uniforms with big red X’s over their shoulders. You know, like modern day Hester Prynnes. They can’t win the money but they can still vote. What’s so fantastic about this is that the outcasts are voted out by the others but the others must still kiss up to the outcasts to win votes. So twisted. A bit like Survivor.

Under these circumstances, people crack up, right? So right. The first to go is a preacher woman who declares that money is truly the root of all evil. Umm, why did you go on the show in the first place? When she leaves, the money gets split in half. Oh, yeah, the money. That’s the huge factor on the show. Over a million dollars is up for grabs. Then preacher lady leaves and it’s over 500,000 bucks. Then for every second the group takes deciding who wins, they lose a dollar. Apparently the countdown didn’t start until after the first episode so they all thought the only way out was to come to a decision. Now there’s a time element added. The money dwindles down pretty quickly.

The next to go was throw-up girl. She had migraines and pretty much began to look like crap. She wore sunglasses in the blaring darkness. Actually, there are huge florescent lights all over the place and anyone who has a migraine knows that those lights really are torture. She too decides to leave, but because she can’t control the reason she’s leaving (I’m sure if she had a choice, she wouldn’t be barfing all over), the money doesn’t get cut in half. But no one knows that it won’t be cut in half before she leaves, yet they are all okay with her leaving. Aww, sympathy. That’s so rare. However, they were all happy to see preacher lady go. Why? Cause she was crazy.

After the first vote where trucker almost won but was two votes short of being unanimous (his own plus someone else), the vote is never near unanimous again. So far. But there’s a whole lot of talk and conniving. Here’s another confusing thing. Or maybe not so much confusing as it is dumb. Alliances are completely noticeable and non-secretive. How do they conspire? They sit at opposite ends of the rooms and whisper so the other group knows exactly what’s going on. Plus all the walls are glass so they all see each other whispering and conspiring. Then when the whisper session is over, they ask each other, “What was that all about? I saw you talking to her.” It’s so friggin hilarious. Then they stutter and lie and everyone knows everyone else is lying. Why they even talk to each other is beyond me. Again, like Big Brother. Only the lying here is so much more intense.

Of course there’s one hugely annoying guy who annoys everyone more than anyone else is annoying. It’s so obvious that he will never ever ever never get the money ever. He has no real reason to want it or need it other than he likes money just like everyone else does. He talks and talks and talks and he was an outcast and now he’s back and more annoying than ever. He’s in every single alliance and he’s a very bad liar and no one likes him really. And the best part is that he totally knows that no one likes him but he’s convinced himself that he somehow has a shot at winning so he continues to make his case and pleads for the money. Hilarious! Hilarious!

The season ends either when they all decide to give one person the money or when the money runs out. No one really knows when they’ll come to a decision. So Ryan “I Can’t Live Without My Hair Products” Seacrest promos the show by saying, “Be sure to watch Unanimous—will they come to a decision tonight and will tonight be the final episode????” Which is so cheesy but I love the cheese.

When voting time comes, Unanimous gets all high tech. Each contestant has a voting ball that has a twirly thing inside of it with the names on it. They twirl the twirly thing to the person they want to have the money and then, this is so awesome, all at the same time they place the balls in these plastic tubes. They’re like vacuum activated so when the balls drop, they shoot through a tube system, kinda like at a drive-up bank teller, and arrive at the host who reads off the names.

The host? Is by far the BEST part of the show. He is so snively and snide and condescending. He scolds them that they can do nothing right. Just this week he said, “The only thing you’ve accomplished as a team is losing over a million dollars.” He chides, “Because the vote is not unanimous and because you have failed your task, you must choose another outcast.” That causes more lying, conniving, and mayhem. Then he commands, “Start the clock,” which isn’t a clock but is a huge green digital sign that shows their money ticking down to nothing. He asks them, “Is it better for you all to finally decide who should have the money even if they don’t truly deserve it or for no one to win any money at all?” [i]Mwwwaaahaaahaaaaaa[/i] times thirty thousand and two!!!!!

[b]And THIS is why I love reality tv[/b]: Sure the love of money is the root of all evil (the preacher lady got it wrong—it’s not money itself but greed), but it sure does make for great entertainment! The lying on this show pushes to the borders of absurdity.

I cannot wait for the end of the season. The best outcome for this show would be to have the clock tick down to something like 3 dollars. They all would have wasted all that time underground to give one person 3 measly dollars via an almost unanimous decision. [i]Mwwhoohaaaahaaaahaaaaaaaa[/i]!!!!

Got hate mail? Or any other kind of comments? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com or visit http://christinamrau.blogspot.com


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