|by Darla Kitt
I’m embarrassed to say that I missed the beginning of Tuesday night’s performance show due to being an idiot and locking my keys in my car at the local Best Buy store, which I’ve decided is just a bad, bad place, because the last time I was there, not even 6 months ago, I also locked my keys in my car. That Best Buy’s got some evil mojo working or something.
Anyway, by the time I got home, I was already in a pissy mood and missed the first three contestants: Chris, Paris and my beloved Taylor. So, you can imagine that even the delectable Taco Bell chow that I picked up on the way home couldn’t make me feel better.
The first performance I caught was Elliott’s, a pretty good version of “It Had to Be You.” His voice sounded nice, kinda swingin’ but the tuxedo jacket with jeans was a little too cheesy for my taste. I mean, there was even a fake flower in the lapel. And I totally agreed with Simon that Elliott has no f**king personality whatsoever. He seems like an okay guy, I guess, but there’s no sparkle to him, nothing interesting at all.
Then came Kellie, decked out in that tight red dress with another pair of stripper shoes, silver this time. Her hair looked a lot better, but she did a horrendous job of “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered.” I don’t know if she was singing above the music, behind it, or around it, but she definitely was not singing WITH it. She has no problem admitting that she f**ked it up, and her dumb-ass smile made it look like she thought it was kinda cute and silly that she f**ked it up. You know, like that stupid cheerleader in math class who giggles and thinks it’s cool when she flunks the mid-term?
I was a little taken aback when Ace appeared on the stage with his hair slicked tightly back into a little tiny ponytail (or was it a ballerina bun?). The suit was good, very debonair, and the blue tie perfectly matched his magical blue eyes … sigh, but the slick, shiny (greasy?) hairdo kinda made him look like a pervy child molester. However, I did love the way he sang “That’s All,” in his soulful, earnest way that made me swoon.
And then there was Katherine, lovely Katherine, looking gorgeous in simple black, her makeup flawless, her hair cascading down her back in a classy ponytail. Way to go, stylists! Nice job this week. Her voice was utterly fantastic, giving new life to the touching song “Someone to Watch Over Me.” We saw her dad crying in the audience, awww.
So, I caught a glimpse of Chris, Paris and Taylor at the end of the show when they did the performance recaps, and each of the 10 seconds I heard sounded pretty good to me. I was glad to see that Chris ditched the eyeliner and took a shave, but a vest with a short-sleeved shirt? Was he going for the bus-boy/valet/waiter look? Paris looked fabulous in red (she rocked it way better than Kellie), and the slicked back ponytail totally worked for her. She looked glamorous, like an old movie star. Taylor was Taylor again, I was happy to see, dressed in his signature gray suit. I also noticed that he’s sticking with the dance moves, which I’m still pissed off that I missed, because I love him so and look forward to watching him every week.
The results show Ford commercial wasn’t as bad this week. There was no cheesy mini golf or beach scene, no ridiculous outfits or pretenses. The Idols sang “Kids in America” while a car drove around and we saw them dancing around on concert posters and billboards advertising each of them “in concert” or “live.” It was kinda cool, actually.
Then Rod Stewart sang one of the songs from his “Great American Songbook” series, “Just the Way You Look Tonight.” He looked horrific and sounded worse. I’m sorry Rod, I don’t think you’re sexy, and I definitely do not want your body. And it’s about time he does something with that weird, kinda feathered, kinda spiked, kinda mullet hairdo, that is also way over-highlighted. Step away from the peroxide, Rod. Just put the bleach bottle down and no one gets hurt. I never thought his voice was that great to begin with, but last night it was really f**king weak. All of the Idols totally upstaged him.
Ryan played a stressful game with Taylor as the results were coming down, leaving him sitting alone on the couch while the others stood onstage in two groups of three. There was a moment of anxiety when I thought maybe he was left sitting there because he was getting kicked, but no, thank god, he was announced safe. Then Ryan asked him to stand with the group of three who he thought was safe. First, Taylor approached Ace, Chris and Paris, but then veered off to stand with Elliott, Katherine and Kellie. He was correct.
Ace, Chris and Paris were in the bottom three! No, not again! Not my beautiful Ace again! I was worried, sitting on the edge of my couch. Paris was waved off the stage as safe and it was down to Ace and Chris. Then I knew. Then I knew my Season 5 hot-piece-of-ass was leaving me. And so it was. Ace was sent packing. Hence the title of this commentary, I am in mourning. No more of those eyes, that smile, that cute-as-a-button behind. It’s over. As much as I love Taylor, it was Ace’s beauty that helped to temper the painful sight of Elliott each week, and now I’ll have to tough it out on my own. Thank you Ace, for the prettiness you provided, the hot-boy-induced giddiness that tickled my tummy, and that smile that launched a million fantasies. You will be missed. But you made it to the Top 10, and so I’ll be seeing you (and drooling) on the tour. Make sure to bring some plastic bags to round up all the panties that are sure to be thrown at you onstage.
We’re now down to six, a half-dozen hopefuls. And next week, they’ll be performing classic love songs with the help from some guy I’ve never heard of before. Andrea Boccelli? Who the f**k is that? AI is really scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to musical celebrities. This year’s theme shows are really baffling to me. It’s like the Year of Easy Listening. If Simon thought Kevin Covais brought the granny vote, the producers must want to keep them with these oldster-friendly theme nights. Yawn, I’m getting bored just thinking about next week’s show.