|by Darla Kitt
So, the Idols had to sing Queen songs this week and, well, they weren’t so good. I don’t know if it’s that I’m not very familiar with Queen songs, other than “the big ones” or if Freddie Mercury’s voice is just so burned into my skull that there’s no way in hell I’d consider anyone else singing them to be any good.
Anyway, for the results show, after a god-awful group performance of a medley of Queen songs and an ultra-cheesy miniature golfing commercial for Ford (how do cars and mini-golf go together again?) each contestant was treated to some special video messages from friends and family, and we got a glimpse into their lives back home. Yeah, it’s a little ushy-gushy, but what the hell, I guess they might be getting a little homesick.
Bucky did a pretty good job with “Fat Bottom Girls,” but he’s no Freddie Mercury. That’s okay, though, because his gravelly voice gave the song some grit, and I admit I was digging it. Unfortunately, I am holding a running grudge against leather blazers, so he got no points for that. On the video screen, his dad talked about how their town took a blow when the racetrack left and that Bucky being on AI was basically the only thing holding the town together. That’s pretty f**king sad.
Ace definitely did NOT rock the house with his version of “We Will Rock You.” I think that song choice was a horrible mistake, because he’s just not a rockin’ kind of guy. The thing we love about Ace is that he’s a softy, sweet and sensitive. It was a very lame performance, indeed. And the leather pants didn’t help. He looked like he belonged in a boy-band biker gang. During the results show, his brothers shared some stories about how they used to bully him, which I guess is typical when you‘re the youngest of five boys. The other thing I noticed during Ace Time at Results Night was some idiot holding up a sign that said “I (shape of a heart) (shape of a playing card spade).” Now, I’m sure this stupid person was trying to make a poster that said “I Love Ace” in a cute, new way. I guess she didn’t realize that there are 4 suits in a deck of cards (hearts, spades, clubs, and diamonds) and that EACH ONE has an ace. So her sign actually read “I Love Spade,” which is very, very dumb.
Lita Ford, er, oh right, that was Kellie, sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” in a leather Members Only jacket and spiked-heel, knee-high stripper boots. Once again, her makeup was way, way overdone, and her performance was really nothing special, except I kept watching for her to trip as she stomped around the stage. Her grandpa was shown wandering around their hometown with her little brother, getting all misty eyed at how wonderful she is. And I couldn’t help but notice that the little brother didn’t talk, so I guess he inherited the dumb genes as well.
Chris did an okay job singing his Queen song, which I never heard before so I really couldn’t tell for sure, but at least he wasn’t all “done up” in some theatrical outfit. However, I did notice some generous eyeliner usage and the stubbly beard, which confused me. Chris’ brother and parents then shared with us the story of the family lumber-yard business and their expectations of Chris joining them. Um, a lumber-yard is no place for Chris. His brother, yes, because his brother did not luck out so much in the good looks department, but not Chris.
I was once again very disappointed in Katherine’s outfit. The stylists are running on a 50% success rate with her outfits, which is just bad enough to make me think they have no f**king idea what they’re doing. What’s up with the red satin and stretchy belt? She looked like she belonged on the 80’s drama Dynasty. Either that or as an extra Charlie’s Angel circa 1979. But, whatever, she sounded pretty terrific although I didn’t really dig the song. During the results show, her dad cried as they showed some home videos of Katherine singing and acting goofy as a little kid. She was very cute, a mini-superstar singing into her hairbrush. Aww.
The ONE good thing about Elliott’s performance of “Somebody To Love” was the fact that the stylists did not gussy him up in some ridiculous costume and let him just look normal. Well, as normal as a very unattractive guy can look, I guess. He’s letting his hair grow out a little, which masks the Dumbo ears a little better, so that’s a plus. I still don’t get why the judges like him so much. His mom was on video sharing stories about how Elliott was such a sickie as a child. He had allergies, he was part deaf, he got diabetes, I can’t even remember it all. Boo-hoo-hoo. I get the feeling that his mom is that annoying type of person who would rattle off a laundry list of her medical problems when any random person simply says “Hi, how are you?” I hate those people.
Paris was too over-the-top this week with her outfit, as well. I was also saddened by her once-so-fabulous hair. Last night she looked like the scary result of a botched experiment of trying to cross Tina Turner with Janet Jackson. She had the wig of Tina, the spandex and fingerless gloves of Janet, oh, and I think she stole Kellie’s stripper boots. I guess she did an okay job of “The Show Must Go On,” but the spandex kinda threw me off and I’ll admit I wasn’t really listening too closely. Her results show video consisted of her grandma, her mom, and her friends talking about how Paris was going to give up singing to become a gynecologist if she didn’t make it on AI. Well, thank god for small favors. Could you imagine how mortifying it would be to have a bouncy, smiley, little-baby-voiced doctor poking around in your cooch? Ew, I shudder at the thought.
Taylor was once again the highlight of the evening for me with his energetic performance of “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” I don’t care if Simon thought it was ridiculous, I just adore Taylor’s craziness. He was back doing the Elvis legs, the shimmying and the shaking that we all know and love. And he didn’t wear some retarded get-up either. The video of his band talking about how they’ve been taking turns caring for Taylor’s two large goldfish, Ray and Lamont, was truly endearing. I love a man who names fish. That is too cool.
So after we saw all the videos of the contestants’ friends and families, the bottom three were brought onto the stage. This week, we had Ace, Elliott and Bucky. I was so sure that my beautiful Ace was leaving me that I actually became nervous. But he was safe and I get to gaze at his prettiness for another week. However, the results weren’t a total success, because Elliott was safe as well and I ended up cursing the screen that Bucky was leaving just as I was starting to sorta like him. Dammit.
Oh, well. What are you gonna do, right? I never voted for Bucky anyway, so I guess I have no right to bitch about it. Next week we get to see the scorching hot (sarcasm) Rod Stewart working with the 7 who are left. I’m sure that every AI fan’s mom will be watching, because he used to be hot, right? I think I remember my mom saying that Rod used to be hot. Until that rumor started going around that he had to go to a hospital to have his stomach pumped due to an OD or something and the doctors found man-juice in there. Yeah, you know what I mean… I don’t know if it’s TRUE, I just know that that’s what I HEARD.