|by Darla Kitt
I know, I know, my commentary is a bit late this week. I must apologize, but I simply could not write it sooner, as I was too busy being disappointed and pissed off about Tuesday’s performances. I had to get over it first or this would’ve been nothing but a long-winded, drunken, cuss-word riddled, bitch-fest.
So, (deep breath) I’m a bit calmer now, and believe that I’ve effectively taken out most of my rage on unsuspecting co-workers and family members.
But, holy sh*t did this week SUCK! Is the music of the past 6 years really as crappy as the AI contestants made it out to be? Really? Okay, it’s probably not. It’s more likely that they just f**ked them up real bad.
F**k-up #1: Choosing a song by a former Idol. Lisa really deserved to get the old heave-ho after singing a god-awful version of Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You.” I’m sure she honestly thought she sounded good singing this in the shower, but onstage she sounded more like a high-school talent show reject. And, although he got much praise from the judges (and as usual, I’m quite baffled), Elliott bounced his way through the Bo Bice standard “I Don’t Wanna Be” like an ugly little dashboard ornament. I think he’s been watching way too many old Run DMC videos, because that bobbing and weaving of his was ripped straight outta MTV Raps circa 1987. Anybody up for a little Ed Lover dance?
F**k-up #2: Singing a dumb song nobody knows. Oh, Kellie. “Suds in the Bucket?” Does that title refer to a primitive way of washing one’s clothes or a giant container of beer? We don’t know, but either way it’s gotta be a joke, right? And a very sad joke. But she said she thought it was a nice romantic story of an 18-year-old running off to Vegas to marry some loser in a white pick-up truck. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a Northerner or college-educated or what, but I think that’s just kinda stupid. Anyway, she sang it horribly and when the judges critiqued her, she apologized in that super-annoying way, which I’m getting totally sick of. “I’m SAWR-ry!” Next time, just suck it up and act like an adult. I hate to put my lovely Mandisa in this category, but she also sang a song nobody knows, a gospel number called “Wanna Praise You.” She looked fabulous as always, and sparkled onstage, but she did a little too much yelling. I liked it okay, but I just didn’t get what she was so f**king excited about. Maybe it’s because I’m not much of a church-goer.
F**k-up #3: Choosing a very popular song and tanking it hard. I really like Katherine, but she should not have chosen that Christina Aguilera song. It was just very blah-ick. Like fake cheese, a cheap imitation of something that is quite tasty. And she’s back to weird outfits with that oddly shaped black and tan get-up, which made her look like an extra on Star Trek. Chris also made a mistake with “What If” by Creed. I hate stupid alternative rock bands like that anyway, but he’s got to settle himself down a little. The guy’s got a good voice, he doesn’t need to be roughing it up so much, for what? To show how “hard” he can be? Well, that’s way too hard for me. And besides, does he really think he can pull off the “hard rocker” thing in a butter-cream-colored blazer?
As for the rest of them, they did okay despite choosing popular songs. I thought Ace’s version of “Drops of Jupiter” was very nice, kinda more soulful than the original, with the added bonus of showing a little chest. However, he needs to watch the broody-eyes thing that he does at the end of the song, because he’s dangerously close to falling into Constantine’s cheesy-land. I was surprised to actually like Bucky’s Tim McGraw tune, but I’m not sure if that’s because I was enamored of his very cool cowboy shirt or if he really did a good job. Whatever it is, he didn’t totally suck. And I was happy to see him getting back to the ponytail, even if it was tucked into that ridiculous black hat. It is my personal belief that only real cowboys, Johnny Cash, strippers and guys who are running from the law should be allowed to wear black cowboy hats. But that’s just me.
The top two of the crappy 21st Century performances for me were those of Paris and Taylor (of course). Paris did an energetic and funky version of Beyonce’s “Work It Out.” I had no idea she’d make such a nice “’round the way girl.” But her hair was not quite as fabulous as usual this week. I hate to say it, because she’s still cute as sh*t, but it made her look a little like Mr. T. You know, the high middle section and slicked back sides = Mr. T’s Mohawk. Plus, she was draped with all of those chains around her neck… you get the idea.
I was pretty happy to see Taylor bring it down a notch and just sincerely sing this week. All of his jumping around and dancing is contagious and I love it, but this was a nice change of pace. You could see the emotion in his face and hear the strength in his voice so much, it mesmerized me. And he has a very cute new haircut. However, I agree with Simon on his outfit. I hate that the stylists are trying to “hipster” him up. We love Taylor because he’s an odd bird, who can carry off baby blue suits and English teacher jackets with panache. So take note, stylists: I want that guy back!
The bottom three could’ve been almost any of them this week, so when Ace, Katherine, and Lisa were pulled from the pack, I wasn’t surprised. I was very sad and nervous, because there’s no way that Ace and Katherine should go, but with performances so benign, it was anyone’s game to lose. Lisa ended up being the one to hit the road, and I’m not very sad about it. I don’t really care. I wasn’t able to get emotionally invested in her, in a good or bad way. So, whatever.
Be forewarned, readers. Next week is country week and I’m not a big fan of “new” country, so next week’s commentary could be a little late for the same reasons as this week: disappointment, anger, bitchiness, alcoholic beverages as maladaptive coping techniques. But I’m hoping the contestants learn from this week’s screw-ups and work a bit harder on their choices. My fingers will be crossed.