|by Darla Kitt
Hot damn, every season I look forward to 50’s night, because I’m totally in love with that era. I love the attitude, the outfits, the hairdo’s and of course the rockin’ music. And as a bonus, I got to see Barry f***ing Manilow working with the contestants! He’s awesome in the best kind of so-cheesy-he’s-awesome kind of way.
However, I must say that the girls definitely spanked the guys doing the 50’s tunes. Mandisa was super-hot, with her sizzling performance of a song by one of my favorite jazz singers, Dinah Washington. She rocked the sh*t out of it and looked like she belonged on a burlesque stage, bumping and grinding her way into a million guys’ wet dreams. Paris was also quite sexy, looking a little Marilyn Monroe-esque, with her “so innocent, but really kinda dirty girl” eyes and sassy gold dress. Plus, the finger-waved ‘do was killer. I loved it when she sang “Fever” at the Hollywood auditions, but when she changed it up at the end last night … that was stellar. Katherine looked absolutely beautiful and continued the mad sex appeal with that plunging satin number, although I was waiting for a boob to fall outta there. She may be the only white girl alive who’s able to work that Ella Fitzgerald song.
Unfortunately, Kellie killed the classy 50’s hot-girl vibe with her overdone, stripper makeup and skin-tight “going out clubbing” tube top. Plus, “Walkin’ After Midnight” is one of my all-time favorite Patsy Cline songs, and Kellie just ruined it. I wonder if she even bothered to consider the lyrics before she tried to sex it all up? The song is about a woman who was just dumped for Chrissakes. She’s lonely and pissed and hurting, not horny, and the way Kellie sang it sounded like she was out walkin’ after midnight looking for a piece of ass. Don’t tramp up my Patsy!
Lisa also missed out on the cool 50’s pin-up girl look by dressing up like a Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeer. I think I mentioned previously that I’m a bit obsessed with 50’s doo-wop music, and her version of “Why Do Fools Fall in Love” by Frankie Lymon just sounded all sorts of f***ed up to me. I dunno, it just didn’t sound right, something was off. Maybe it was all the extra instruments, but it was a damn messy mess.
As for the guys, they ALL disappointed me, except for Ace. Even my beloved Taylor left me high and dry with his performance of Buddy Holly’s “Not Fade Away.” However, I do not think it was all his fault. I love Buddy Holly, let me make that clear, I love him, but god rest his soul, his songs are just kinda boring. Bucky’s version of “Oh Boy” was the same, but at least Taylor showed a little excitement. It speaks well of my darling Buddy though, because for all the times I’ve listened to his songs, I never noticed they were boring. So I guess it just indicates that no one can sing a Buddy Holly song like Buddy Holly, may he rest in peace. You just can’t mess with a musical genius.
Chris, on the other hand, just took a giant sh*t all over one of the greatest songs of all time, Johnny Cash’s “Walk the Line.” Now, I know that’s a hard f***ing song to sing, because I’ve suffered through a couple of boyfriends trying it out at the karaoke bar, but I was pretty sure Chris wasn’t even singing that song! I think he made up his own song and just put Johnny’s lyrics to it and that is extremely not okay. It hurts me to say it, because I really do like Chris (and would still totally bang him), but his performance was just plain crap and it made me angry.
Ugh, and Elliott also made me angry. The Barry tried to tell him he needs to put some feeling in his singing, he tried! But Elliott just wasn’t getting it, because he was bland as balls singing “Teach Me Tonight.” Plus the fat-ass tie was annoying. Stylists, please do something with this guy!
Kevin, however, made me feel bad. He was just pathetic. I felt bad for him! Why the hell would he choose “When I Fall in Love” when there are so many terrific “teenager” type songs of the 50’s to choose from? And wasn’t that song recently redone for some Disney movie? If not, that’s what Kevin’s version sounded like. My Dilbert kid totally dropped the ball and deserved to be kicked off, which he was by the way.
Ace was the saving grace of the guys’ performances, with a smooth-as-silk rendition of “In the Still of the Night.” Also a doo-wop song, Ace switched it up into a hot jazzy number and made me melt all over my couch. Let’s just say that I went to bed with a big ol’ smile on my face. Mmmm…
So, yeah, the Dilbert kid got kicked. Finally. Thank you, America, for putting that sweet little guy out of his misery and saving him from any more humiliation. Although I’ll miss my beloved Dilbert kid, it was his time. You know, “to everything there is a season, turn-turn-turn,” and all that sh*t.
The results show was its usual drawn-out yawn-fest, with a ri-goddamn-diculous Ford commercial featuring all of the contestants. Why must they make those commercials so god-awfully stupid? Who do those idiotic ad executives think buy cars, 14-year-olds? It almost made me want to hand over the keys to my sainted Escort and buy a Chevy for Chrissakes, and that’s just insane.
I was looking forward to Barry Manilow performing and was quite amused when he said “Love sucks.” That gave me a good snicker. “Hee, hee. Barry Manilow said ‘sucks.’” But his choice of “Love is a Many Splendored Thing” as a song “symbolic” of the 50’s was way off base. Wasn’t he paying attention? The 50’s were about sex, rebellion and rock ‘n’ roll! Not snoring old ladies in rocking chairs!
Anyway, the bottom three of Kevin, Bucky and Lisa was exactly correct if you ask me. And when it came down to Kevin vs. Bucky, I knew right away that the Dilbert kid was going home. It was a classic battle of “The Pre-Teens versus The Southern Rock Fans” in the voting frenzy, and of course the Southern rockers whupped the “tweens” asses hard.
Honestly, Kevin shouldn’t feel too bad about the Confederates voting him off. His time on AI was more than enough to provide him with more opportunities to get laid, with much higher caliber chicks, than a guy of his, um, stature, could ever snag on his own. So, go get ‘em Kev! Your cup shall runneth over with hot pieces of ass. (Sniff, sniff. Gosh, I‘m a little teary-eyed.) My little Dilbert kid is growing up …