|by Darla Kitt
We now have our Top 12 and our first theme night of the season: Stevie Wonder tunes. I’m a Stevie fan and was looking forward to tonight, especially giddy to hear a whopping performance of “Suspicion,” my fave Stevie song. However, I was horribly disappointed to hear Bucky singing it. Or should I say, totally f***ing destroying it. I mean, he gave it a good ol’ boy try; he made an attempt to groove, bobbing his bouncy blond hair around. Who let him get at the hot rollers? The way he was tossing that mane around, I thought he was auditioning for a shampoo commercial. Hell, he could be the next Breck Girl. But he sang the song too rough for me. Get with it Buck, Stevie’s SMOOTH… But how could he know that when he’s NEVER heard any of his music before? What? Where the hell has he been living? Pakistan?
Oh, no, wait, I forgot. He’s from the South, just like Kellie, who also admitted to not being familiar with Stevie’s music. I really don’t understand that at all. Stevie Wonder is an American LEGEND. How does anyone go through life in the United States without ever, even accidentally, coming across at least ONE Stevie Wonder song. They do have radios down South, don’t they? Anyway, Kellie also fumbled her version of “Blame it on the Sun.” She tried to sing it way too deep and looked very uncomfortable. The dress and shoes were cute, but her rutching it around and tugging it up over her boobs when she sat down with Ryan sucked all the elegance outta her look. Her stupid-duh personality is also really starting to grate my last nerve. At first, it was kinda cute and endearing, like she was just a bit naïve, but holy sh*t, girl, find your brain already! I’m sure there’s one in there somewhere.
And while I’m in bitching-mode, let me just say that I’ve had ENOUGH of Randy’s “Dog Pound” ridiculous-ness. Yes, the “whup-whup-whup” arm pumping was cool and edgy when Arsenio Hall debuted it on his talk show back in the 80’s, but it’s way old and just plain dumb. Give it up, Randy. Your “Dog Pound” is played out. Let it rest in peace with fellow dead 80’s lingo, like “rad,” “sike,” and “gag me with a spoon.”
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out, I can move on. The rest of the Top 12 were appropriately awed by meeting Stevie Wonder and some even cried. Ace cried. Hot as f**k and sensitive, too? He is my dream man. The “Do I Do” was only okay, but Ace showed off some hot dancing skills and gave a very natural, energetic performance. He looked right at home on that stage. Oh, and I should mention that after Ace’s performance, my friend Kim announced that she wants to f**k him. Yeah, me too, Kim. Get in line, girlfriend.
While I’m on the topic of AI contestants I’d like to f**k, Chris was looking pretty hot himself, belting out “Higher Ground.” Although the thinner sideburns made his face look kinda naked, the naked-look on him is good. More body-kind-of-naked would be better. Chris deftly straddled Stevie’s funk and the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ punk versions of the song, weaving in and out and creating his own unique sound. Very nice, indeed. Oh, and of course Taylor. I’d f**k him, too. He’s just getting cuter with every performance. You can tell he was just loving it up on that big stage, grooving and dancing around, rocking his way through “Living for the City.” Perfect. Big kisses coming at ya, gorgeous. MU-AH!
Although I do love little Kevin, my Dilbert kid, he sucked ass once again. “Part-time Lover?” Was that performance a joke? I felt kinda weird watching him try to dance and sing all sexy-like. He’s just a kid! He shouldn’t be singing about having sex! I was a little uncomfortable. It’s just plain wrong to be sexing up a pre-adolescent-looking young boy. His performance gave me the creeps.
Ugh, and Elliott definitely did NOT knock me off my feet with his rendition of “Knocks Me Off My Feet.” I mean, he didn’t suck, but I still don’t see why everyone thinks he’s so great. Those stylists better get to working on that guy, because for as ugly as he is, his fashion choices are just making matters worse. He needs help, serious help. What, one week a cassette tape belt buckle, then a sweater vest, and this week a white blazer? Hello, can anyone say Miami Vice?
As for the girls, the only one who did a full-on bang-up job was Katherine, with her powerful “Until You Come Back to Me.” The performance was just great, but she is too f***ing pretty to be hiding herself under that ugly-ass muu-muu tent dress she was wearing. And it was a horrible hippie print, too. She looked like she should be barefoot, dirty, and smelling of stinky patchouli oil, with a ring of daisies in her hair, high on mushrooms, twirling around at an outdoor Grateful Dead show.
Mandisa was of course, fabulous as always, and performed “Don’t You Worry About a Thing” perfectly. No matter what she sings, she always makes me want to get up and dance. Like Taylor, her voice stirs something up inside and I really feel the music. Plus, she looked totally comfortable, and her outfit was impeccable, the jewelry dazzling.
Melissa also looked beautiful tonight, very elegant in her first dress of the season. Unfortunately, she boogered up the lyrics to “Lately” and the performance itself was kinda boring. Maybe she jinxed herself because she was concentrating too hard after f***ing up the lyrics at rehearsals.
Lisa was good, but I wasn’t really into her performance of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” Her yell in the middle of it wrecked it for me. That “WAA-AAH!” caught me off guard and was a little disturbing, kinda like the fatal Howard Dean yell during the Democratic presidential primaries of 2004.
Paris was cute as hell, once again, with the most adorable curly bob and a cheeky chic outfit. “All I Do” was a great song choice for her, and she put on an exciting and very funky performance.
All in all, I think we all know that Kevin must go. This week for sure, we’ve been shown how dramatically under-par he is compared to the rest of the AI contestants. It will be a sad farewell, as I do love my Dilbert kid, but it must be done. He must be put out of his misery to avoid being turned into the laughingstock “what the hell is he doing there?” finalist of Season 5.
UPDATE: I had to miss the results show Wednesday night, because I was offered fantastic last minute tickets to see Hall and Oates in concert for free. And let me say that the show was terrific. Darryl Hall has still got it. His voice was absolutely perfect, and you always worry about that when seeing “older” singers live, because the pipes tend to shrivel with age. I loved Hall and Oates songs as a kid, because my mom always played their records in the house, but I never had the opportunity to see them perform live. So it was wonderful. And very refreshing to hear “She’s Gone” sung the way it was intended to be sung, after having suffered through numerous excruciating performances of it by fat-boy Scott Savol during last season’s AI.
Anyway, since I missed the results show, I dashed into work this morning for the scoop and was SHOCKED to hear that Kevin made it through! He wasn’t even in the bottom three?? Holy sh*t! When I heard that Ace WAS in the bottom three, I went into full panic mode. I cannot lose my pretty boy! My beautiful, beautiful Ace. So, please, I’m begging all of you, I know he may not be your favorite singer, but you simply must vote for him next week. I couldn’t bear to lose him; it would break my heart; I think I would seriously cry. And he must be one of the Top 10 to do the tour, because I’m going dammit, and I’m going to see that ass of his IN PERSON.