|by Darla Kitt
I must say, I’m pretty darn proud of AI voters after tonight’s first round of audience-voted eliminations. You did a damn fine job, America. Not to say that I’m exactly happy to see any of the top 24 leave, but I am pleased.
So, unlike the excruciatingly drawn-out show, I’ll cut right to the chase and give ya the lowdown on who was sent packing: Becky, Bobby, Stevie, Patrick … buh-bye, don’t let the blue neon doors hit you in the ass on your way out.
I was a little bit surprised that Becky was the first girl to go, not because I thought she was all that great, because she wasn’t. Her version of Natalie Merchant’s “Because the Night” was way lame. It takes a certain special something to do that intriguing voice of 10,000 Maniacs justice, and Becky didn’t have it. However, she and her sister both apparently do have the certain special something necessary to do a half-naked spread in Maxim magazine, because a clip from Fox News gave us a sneak preview. So make sure to keep an eye out for Becky and her sister (and their boobs) on a newsstand near you!
I was not at all surprised to see Bobby go, however. As much as I love “The Barry” and his fabulously cheesy “Copacabana,” I had to cringe (and do a shot of Jameson) while watching Bob tear it to shreds. But he looked like he was having fun dancing around, and he seems like a nice guy, so I can’t rip him too hard.
Oh, Stevie, God, she annoyed me. That girl looks like a stick figure, with the brains and personality to match. I’m not sure what “different side” of her she was trying to show while she was squeaking and gasping her way through that pathetic Josh Groban song, but it kinda sounded like a tortured puppy. She had to know she was going. You could see it in her face as she was sitting there on that couch, and I just laughed at her ‘cause I knew it, too. Will not be missing her.
But, Patrick? Patrick was the new dork-I-loved! Sh*t! I lost another one! Why can’t we keep a decent dork? I mean, okay, I know that he completely screwed up that Melissa Etheridge song. And I know that he broke the straight-boy code by dancing around with his arms above his head (a gay friend of mine once told me that only gay men are allowed to raise their arms higher than their heads while dancing). And I know that he looked kinda skeevy with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest. But, damn, I was still hoping to hang on to him! I don’t even think I should choose another one! I seem to be jinxing them straight outta the competition!
Okay, now we’re done with the losers and we can move on to discuss the rest of the contestants. Their performances were fairly predictable. I knew going in who was gonna rock and who was gonna suck, and it panned out almost perfectly.
Mandisa definitely proved that “sisters can rock too” with her rendition of “Never” by Heart. She’s got the personality of a superstar already and I just love her to pieces. By the way, she looked gorgeous in black and red satin. My other favorite, Paris, had the best hair of the night and was just bouncy as hell and adorable. Plus, she is the only one who could possibly pull off that strapless denim jumpsuit. Oh, and I loved the trucker-horn-honk thing she did with during the “woo-woo” part of “Midnight Train to Georgia.”
The country songs that Kellie and Melissa did were okay, but their choices of outfits were horrendous What exactly was the purpose of that large medallion stuck to Kellie’s stomach? And Melissa’s shirt looked like my great-aunt’s living room draperies. By the way, did anyone notice that while Melissa was in the red room she was sitting with her legs up on Ryan’s lap? Is she trying to get in his pants? Anyway, both of their performances were rather boring and lifeless, if you ask me. But maybe that’s just because I’m not a fan of country music. I don’t know.
I was very surprised that Heather Cox (insert porno joke here) didn’t get kicked off, because she sucked total butt (no porn pun intended).
Kinnik and Lisa both performed their respective ballads beautifully. They each looked stunning and classy, and have powerful voices. I really can’t say anything bad about either of them, but I still don’t really like them all that much, because I don’t see a helluva lot of personality in either of them … yet.
But, Brenna? I see a lot of personality in her, and I can’t stand it. Even the “toned down” version of Brenna made my skin crawl with all of her fake-ass sweetness singing “You are the Sunshine of My Life.” Christ, I’d rather have the claw-wielding psycho-bitch version. She is so f***ing full of herself, I can’t wait until she gets the axe. And it won’t be long. Mark my words, people. Oh, no, it won’t be long. Bwah-ha-ha-ha (evil laughter).
My Boston Terrier hates Ayla, and he is one smart (but ugly) puppy dog. As soon as she started singing “Reflection,” he charged up to the TV and went all barking-lunatic at it. I was astonished she had the balls to say that the reason she chose that song was because she related to “the struggle to get the respect and dignity” she deserved. What? Was she f***ing serious? Her father is a f***ing United States senator for crying out loud! And her mom’s on TV! She’s rich as sh*t, white, thin, beautiful (except for the weird jaw), and has all of her limbs. When did she ever have to “struggle” for anything? That girl wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her mouth, she was born with a 180-piece set of solid gold cutlery plus serving utensils. Hey, maybe that’s what f***ed up her jaw…
Who did I forget? Ah, yes. Katherine. She impressed me. She looked very relaxed, cute, happy Which was a little out of place as she sang “Since I Fell For You,” as it’s a rather sad song, but whatever. I loved the little ruffle on her shirt. Her excitable personality came across as a sparkling delight. I could really get to like this girl. Oh, but there was one small problem. She said that the song was by Barbra Streisand … and it’s not. Babs did perform it in 1993, but the original version was done in 1964 by a guy named Lenny Welch. The only reason I know this is because I’m a bit of an oldies/doo-wop geek, and one of my pet peeves is when these young folks get it wrong. So, if you liked the song, I encourage you to check out his version; it’s perfect.
Overall, I think the guys outdid the girls this week, albeit with a few horrors. Horror #1- David Radford and his attempt at working the “Elvis Legs.” From the neck up, he was adorable. From the neck down, he looked like an automaton. Horror #2- Will Makar and his white-boy version of “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5. He is cute, but he totally sucked all of the groove right outta that song. And Paula was right. Sadly, he did look a little like Bobby Brady. Horror #3- Man-whore Sway. White pants, white shirt, white shoes, white hat … red velvet jacket? Simon called him a pimp, but I ask you: Was he the pimp or the whore?
Kevin, the Dilbert-kid, performed a surprisingly fine “One Last Cry” by Brian McKnight. Although he was a little stiff, and his forehead wrinkled up a lot, I could see just a smidgee of soul somewhere in there. Might we have another Rick Astley on our hands? Gedeon, and his million dollar smile, had quite a workout doing “Shout.” However, he also needs to button-up the shirt, tame the fro, and lose the mustache if he wants to avoid being likened to a 70’s porn star. Oh, and he should also watch that “raising his arms over his head” thing. Bucky also has a lot of work to do on his appearance. Hopefully, as he makes his way through, the AI stylists will get him under control and convince him to do something with that stringy hair and scraggly goatee. Skynyrd songs will always rustle up a herd of southern rock fans, but maybe next time he could try not to smoke 6 packs of Parliaments before he sings.
Okay, so which guy makes me crazy? Crazy in a bad way: Elliott. I honestly do not see what is so great about this guy. Simon really likes him? For real? Maybe he was just f***ing with him, when he said that he was potentially the best male vocalist they’ve had on, because I found his performance of “If You Really Love Me” to be quite painful. And, I’m sorry, I know I’m going to hell for this, but damn is he ugly. There is nothing attractive about this guy at all! His teeth, his jug-handle ears, his busted-up-looking nose, his razor-straight hairline, his Amish facial hair, damn, just his whole f***ing head is a mess. And when you pair that with the cassette tape belt buckle and pin-striped blazer he had on, you’ve got yourself that “trying so hard to be hip he looks like a jackass” guy you see lurking around wannabe hipster bars, playing mack-daddy and creeping out all the women. Ugh, god, I feel all skeeved out just thinking about him.
Luckily, all I have to do is picture my beautiful Ace and the warm-fuzzies return. He is the prettiest boy ever. I also love that he sang a George Michael song, and did it perfectly, with style, grace and natural emotion. Plus, he has great teeth. Of course, Chris is also very pretty and did Bon Jovi proud with his version of “Wanted Dead or Alive.” Love him.
But Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. How I love just saying his name. He is my ultimate favorite, and I would marry him tomorrow if he’d have me. I can’t even explain what it is about him, exactly. You can just see the music filling him all up inside. It’s like the song flows through his entire body as he sings it, like it rushes through his veins, in and out of his heart, and then out of his mouth and into my ears and I’m transfixed. It’s almost paranormal He just makes me feel terrific, just watching him. When he finished that Elton John number, I found a huge, giddy smile plastered on my face. And I don’t think it was just the whiskey, either. It was him. I will love him forever … sigh…
Okay, now that I’m all googly-eyed over Taylor, I must wrap this up so I can go to bed and begin our beautiful life together in my dreams.
Oh, but before I sign off, I must send an important message to the AI producers: You know how you had the entire group of contestants sing “Take It Easy” at the beginning of Thursday’s elimination show? Yeah, well, you gotta watch the placement of the performers, because at the beginning Elliott was standing right next to Ace and you should never, ever let that happen. You never put the ugliest guy next to the prettiest guy. Just FYI, it ruins the view.
Questions, comments, rants or kudos can be sent to Darla at DarlaKitt@realityshack.com.