|by Darla Kitt
The groups part of the AI audition process is by far my favorite. Not only to I absolutely love the drama and catfights, I simply adore the cheesy choreography. This year was no exception; Tuesday’s group night was fabulous.
Oh, yes, as usual there were those who didn’t want to stay up late and practice (“Sway” and Elliott), and there were those who didn’t get along with their group members (Tyra and Brenna), but this year’s Brittenum twins’ shenanigans were utterly painful. What the f*** is wrong with those two? Can’t they tell they’re annoying as hell? Thank god, they’re gone. If either of them made it into the final 24, I think I would’ve had to resign my post as AI commentator and swear off the show for good. The only mildly comforting thought is that we can rest assured, with pissy attitudes like theirs, they’re in for some serious beat-downs in prison. And that makes me feel better.
My favorite guy group was definitely the Boy Scout Troop of Kevin Covais, Josh Jordan, David Radford, and William Makar. A finer quartet of young ‘uns I’ve never seen, and I was very excited to see that Kevin grew himself some hair to camouflage the egghead. Good job, boy!
I’m sorry to say, however, that there wasn’t a stand-out girl group for me. I find most of the girls this year to be, eh … forgettable? They all seem to be variations of the same cliché, with a few exceptions. Notably, Mandisa in all of her full-figured fabulousness, and Paris, just because she’s so damn cute and has such a unique voice.
There was a moment of the groups competition when I almost had a nervous breakdown. I’m sure you can guess. It was the Cowboy Debacle. Garrett was the dork-I-loved! I was so nervous for him, I could hardly stand myself. While the group was shown practicing, and f***ing up all over the place, all I could do was suck on my beer bottle and chain-smoke in nervous anticipation. Was the horrible practicing a ruse? Were they trying to get us all worried over nothing? Would the Cowboys magically come through in the end? Would it be a “groups day miracle?” Sadly, no. They totally sucked ass.
So now I’m stuck with the daunting task of choosing a new “dork-I-love” for Season 5. And there ain’t much to choose from. The top 12 boys are made up of either hot pieces of ass (which I’m not complaining about) or uggos, with not much cute-dork wiggle room in between. But if I have to pick one, I guess I’ll have to go with Patrick Hall, because of the witty remark he made about not being “as pretty as Ace, but then, who is?” Witty sarcasm goes a long way when it comes to cute-dorkiness.
While I’m on the subject of the boys, I have to profess my undying love and infinite devotion to Taylor Hicks, from now on known as the most adorable gray-haired guy on the planet. Did I mention he talks like Elvis? And how much I effing love that? As for the rest of the boys, I only really like a few: Ace and Chris are beautiful, David and William are sweet-cheeked jailbait, Kevin seems like a nice kid. I couldn’t give a sh*t about Bucky, Gedeon, Robert or Elliott. However, that Sway guy makes me grit my teeth. I guess he’s okay, but I can’t get over the cue-ball head with the super-pronounced eyebrows. When I see him, I can’t help but envision that Wooly Willy toy I had as a kid. You know, the bald-headed face with the magnetic fibers you drug across the plastic covering with the wand to create hairstyles and facial hair. Does anyone else think about that?
The girls fall into a similar breakdown: I love Paris and Mandisa, both absolutely beautiful young women; right now I think I like Katherine, Rebecca and Lisa; I don’t really care about Heather, Kelly, Melissa or Kinnik. But I have a deep, deep dislike for Stephanie Scott with her stupid-girl personality and waify look, rich bitch Ayla Brown and all of her hoity-toity-ness, and I absolutely cannot stand Brenna Gethers. If Brenna would just tune-down her entitlement complex and act like she has some f***ing sense, instead of behaving like a six-year-old in a Barbie beauty pageant, I could possibly learn to like her. But her sh*tty attitude of “oh, I don’t care if people hate me; everyone hates Donald Trump and Martha Stewart and Simon and they’re rich and successful” really makes me want to hit her. You know what, Brenna? Yes, Donald and Martha and Simon might be assholes sometimes and piss people off, but I bet even they act like decent human beings once in a while. People who consistently don’t give a crap about other people are called sociopaths, and you don’t want to be a sociopath, do you?
And so it goes, into the audience voting episodes next week. I will have my phone at the ready next week, and can’t wait to see how our top 24 break down and stack up. I’m pretty firm on my favorites, but you never know, last year I went into it loving Constantine and ended up hating his too-tight pants-wearing cheese-ball ass.
Drop Darla a line at DarlaKitt@realityshack.com.