|by Darla Kitt
Holy crap, am I happy the auditions are finished. I mean, jeez-um, this year was just (in Simon’s words) “absolutely horrendous.” I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t remember the other seasons’ audition shows being so god-awfully riddled with sh*tty performances. It seems like the auditions this year were purposefully skewed to show 90% crap. Maybe that’s what the market researchers found people liked. I don’t know, but I do know that it was really pissing me off by the end.
There were 28 people in Boston who made it to Hollywood, and we saw 3 of them. THREE! And all three were pretty damn sad, if you ask me. The only one I found remotely interesting was Kevin Covais, and that’s because he looks like the Dilbert cartoon guy. Plus, I was intrigued by his perfectly egg-shaped head, and even more perfectly sculpted dark eyebrows.
My sister was watching this week’s show with me, and was screeching her own wine-induced input as I was trying to take notes of my own opinions. She spewed some very nasty commentary about Ayla Brown, which was too colorful for me to accurately reproduce for public consumption, but I’ll try to paraphrase as best I can. Ayla was the “All-American Girl” whose dad is a senator and mom is a local television star. She’s got a full basketball scholarship to college and a horrible underbite, which causes her chin to jut out too far.
“She’s just a rich bitch!” my sister was shrieking. “She doesn’t deserve to win! She’s got everything already! F*** her, the f***ing c**t!” I know why Ayla got under my sister’s skin so bad, as she can’t stand rich snotty girls, but I merely found her to be mildly annoying and easily ignorable. Personally, I think her tapioca pudding personality and ho-hum singing voice better indicate why Ayla doesn’t deserve to be the next American Idol.
My sister’s screeching rampage wasn’t over with Ayla. She insisted that Tatiana Ward was pregnant, while I noticed that her hair looked suspiciously like Ramen noodles, but she had an okay voice, so whatever.
I really liked Holly Corrente, the girl who sings to the old folks at a rehabilitation facility, and was disappointed that Randy, Simon and Paula gave her the thumbs-down. Oh, well. One tip for Holly: change the hair color. The poopy brown chunks in her otherwise beautiful platinum blond hair make her look like someone wiped their ass on her head immediately after taking a rather messy monster dump. And that’s not a good look.
In Hollywood, I was pleased as punch to see a few of my favorites from the auditions looking and sounding hot and sassy. My girl Paris Bennet was absolutely adorable and sounded great. She is so effing cute, I can hardly stand it. Love her.
I also fell in love all over again with my dorky cowboy, Garrett. Yeah, his song kinda sucked. But, gee golly, he was still so excited! He never saw the ocean before! He went in with all his clothes on! Okay, that was a bit of a stupid move, but he’s like a puppy or something, so when he does dumb sh*t, it’s kinda cute anyway.
I found it an odd coincidence that all three of the guys I have the hots for chose the same song, “The First Cut is the Deepest.” And they each sang it in their own sexy way. Gray-haired Taylor Hicks took the bluesy route and really poured his heart into it. Oh, and when his lip curled up, again like Elvis, I almost melted right off the couch. Then Ace Young gave it a whirl, with a more R&B flavor. He is just effing gorgeous, let me make that clear, and it wouldn’t of mattered if he sang it like he had a wad of gym socks in his mouth, I just like to watch that boy. Finally, Chris Daughtry took a stab at it with a rockin’ punch. But I need him to grow some hair. Then we can talk.
As for my beloved twins, Joshua and Jarrett Simmons, I was quite livid when they got the boot. What are those judges trying to do to me? Twins Derrell and Terrell stayed. Those are the wrong ones! They’re the ugly ones! I was yelling at the TV, “No! You made a mistake! You kicked off the cute ones! Dammit!” Not only are they the ugly twins, but Derrell and Terrell are also the annoying-as-hell twins. They got through and yet they were still bitching, “Unh, I didn’t like what Paula said. Wanh! I didn’t like what Simon said. Wah, wah, wah.” Oh my god, I just wanted to smack them and tell them to shut the f*** up already.
On the good news vs. bad news front, I was happy as crap that the asshole-of-the-season, RJ, turned out to merely be the asshole-who-got-kicked-off-almost-immediately. Then he cried like a little bitch. Ha, ha, you’re not so cool after all, are you? Unfortunately, the hot-pants military stripper, Steven David, got kicked off too. On the upside, he’s now free to pursue a career in taking his clothes off for money. Hell, I’d throw him a few bucks to shake that ass.
All in all, I’m happy we’re finally in the Hollywood phase of the show and I can’t wait to see the group auditions next week. I’m sure lots of wonderful drama and catfights and hissy fits are on the way. And isn’t that what makes reality TV so great?
Drop Darla a line at DarlaKitt@realityshack.com.