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What The …? – American Idol 5 Commentary, Week Two


by Darla Kitt

Week Two – WTF?

Yes, WTF? What the hell happened to the cute guy run? I spoke too soon; I jinxed it; I basically screwed myself and every other girl out there who watches this show (in part) to look at hot man-butt by jumping the gun and announcing that this season is looking more promising for ogling. Dammit.

The only nice piece to come outta this week was Sargeant Stephen David, Jr. in Greensboro, but hoo-wee was he a goodie. Big, smooth, with those come-hither eyes, oh my. And singing Marvin Gaye? What girl hasn’t fantasized about some sexy boy serenading her with “Let’s Get It On?” Oh, just me? Well… no I’m not ashamed! The only glitch in the system was the itty-bitty bit-o-cheesiness that was the dancing. The dancing with Paula and then carrying her out the door with her legs wrapped around his waist. That’s a total stripper move. I was waiting for him to whip his pants off and start gyrating. And the military uniform didn’t help. That only added to the male stripper thing. So now he’s forever burned into my brain as the “military singing stripper guy.” He better have some serious aces up his sleeve to get me over that in Hollywood.

I also got my hopes up when I saw Marcus Behling. He was cute! But then he opened his mouth and that totally ruined it for me. Paula was right, he should keep his mouth shut and stick to modeling.

Plus, they waved some fairly unattractive guys through to the next round. That added to the disappointment and the WTF factor. I don’t even remember their names. There was a fat guy with a doughy face and a red-faced fireman. I tried not to look too hard.

What else did I notice in Greensboro? Well, I noticed that they have lots of people there with bad hair. Gelled spikes, mullets, little Dutch boy ‘dos, the Incredible Hulk’s wife’s straggly green-ended bob, and Sammy’s perm?? Sammy? A perm? Again, WTF? And odd facial hair was prevalent, too. I felt so embarrassed for Shawn, the guy in the tux. He’s so effing young! What’s he doing with a 70’s mustache? Who taught him that? Has he been watching old Ron Jeremy pornos or something? And gosh, he put all that work into his display board, just to get tossed due to his smarmy lounge singer looks. There was glitter on it and everything! He had to have gone through, like, 5 gluesticks making that thing.

There also seemed to be a higher-than-normal concentration of the “are they or aren’t they mentally retarded?” So much so that I actually felt bad for people from North Carolina for a second, before I remembered that they could move if they wanted to, but for some reason they don’t. Wanna play the game? Ronda Jones – pink cowboy hat, sang the Backstreet Boys song? Is she or isn’t she? Hmmm… What about Seth, the white Michael Jackson? (wait, I might not have to specify the “white” MJ anymore) Is he or isn’t he? This does put a damper on my “making fun of people” fun, because I’d feel kinda bad for making fun of them if they really were mentally retarded, but it’s just too tempting and too easy, so I’ve talked myself into believing that they are not really mentally retarded, but merely very, very, very dumb. This twisted way of rationalizing it allows me to snicker and write this column.

Oh, and I’m not even going there with Rhonetta Johnson. I’m pretty sure she’s not mentally retarded, but I strongly believe that she is mentally ill. Two dozen disco balls were killed to make her tube top and boots, people. I’m calling PETA.

Ultimately, Greensboro was a huge disappointment. The city did not come off in a good light, that’s for sure. The only person who made up for it was Paris Bennett. She got me hook, line and sinker with her rendition of that Billie Holiday number. And she’s just plain adorable to boot. I also liked Tyra Schwartz, the girl with the side braid who sang “In the Still of the Night.” I don’t know if it was that saucy braid or the fact that I love old doo-wop songs, but I’m definitely rooting for her. And who didn’t realize at first sight that Kelly Pickler was gonna be the new Carrie? Yawn. Um, she was on the show last season. We don’t need another one.

Anyway, I was so disgusted with Greensboro, that I have to admit I was less than enthusiastic about watching San Francisco’s show. Eh, it was okay. But I’m too exhausted from my distaste for Tuesday’s 2-hour fright fest to go into it. I just need to finish off this bottle of wine and go to bed. (Sigh) Maybe I can get myself geared up for next week.

Drop Darla a line at DarlaKitt@realityshack.com.


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