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Season 5 Opener – American Idol 5, Week One Commentary


by Darla Kitt

So, hello there everyone, I should probably introduce myself before going off on my first AI rant of the new season. I’m Darla, an old school punk rock gal who is in love with American Idol. I’m 31, no kids (thank god), and pursuing a freelance writing career while being disenchanted with the day job my college education prepared me for. Anyway, my job here on Reality Shack is to serve up some commentary on each week’s episodes of AI – 5. My faithful (and terribly ugly) Boston Terrier, Murphy, will assist me by occasionally offering his opinions of the contestants, their voices, song choices, outfits, personalities, and anything else he may find endearing or annoying during the course of the show.

This week we’re off and running with the first rounds of auditions. Whee! Of course, they had their usual mix of fabulous, eh-so-so, and total crap. However, this year I’ve experienced a higher than normal level of irritation by the stupid gimmicky sh*t. What the eff was up with all the hats in Chicago? And the guy with the pigtails? Come on. Thankfully, there was less of that in Denver, but the lack of hats and gimmicks was overcompensated by the staggering annoyance factor of “Flawless,” otherwise known as “the idiot in the orange PJ’s.” He runs a cleaning business? Who the hell would let that freak of nature into their home?

The pleasant surprise so far has been the quality of the cute guys Simon, Randy and Paula have waved through to Hollywood. Now, let me make it clear that I do indeed care about the singing. I really do. But, I also have ulterior motives for being glued to the screen each week, which are:
#1 – To make fun of people
#2 – To ogle hot guys
Last season was pretty darn good for making fun of people (hello Constantine’s double chin and too-tight pants), but it was pretty skimpy on the hot guys. After Mario skadoodled, I was left clinging to Nikko for my weekly dose of “hot boy.” This season, however, looks rather promising.

I’m a tad bored with the whole Frank Sinatra crooner thing, but David Radford’s cutie-pie face makes me sit up and take notice. Twins Joshua and Jeremy Simmons? Doubly delicious. Rockin’ dad Chris Dautry from Denver has one heckuva tight bod, although I’d like him to lose the Lucifer-like facial hair. The super-hottie so far is Ace Young, the R&B boy with the killer biceps. One flash of that smile and I’m done for. Yummy.

And each season I fall for one of the dorks. Season 4 produced Anthony Federov, but so far the “Dork I Love” in Season 5 has got to be…drum roll … Garrett the Cowboy! I mean, gee golly, he got so garsh-darn excited! He’s never been on a plane! He lives in a town with 4 people! He sings to a turkey! How effing cute is that? So, Garrett currently carries the honor of being my dork crush…for now. We’ll see what happens when AI gets to North Carolina next week. Stay tuned!

Drop Darla a line at DarlaKitt@realityshack.com.


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