LauraBelle was found in her chair rocking back and forth muttering something about wanting a Janie Doll, so y’all are stuck with me for the last two days of Big Brother 6 goodness while LauraBelle goes through detox. Of course I’m kidding, and it’s been a blast sharing feed duty with ya, LauraBelle! But you have to admit that the above story isn’t all that far-fetched.
So now on to the challenge of making this recap worth the time you took to click on it …
After staying up late to work on their jigsaw puzzle (you know, the one that’s 1000 pieces and dubbed “the hardest in the world” by Maggie), the gruesome twosome sleep in this morning. Ivette is up at 10:30, feeding the fish, and Maggie waddles out close behind her. Does Maggie lay awake waiting for Ivette to get up first? She doesn’t have to hover anymore, it’s not like the fish are going to convince Ivette to turf her or anything.
Maggie sits and watches the fish eat. Oh what joy. What excitement. Couldn’t they have had the finale on Sunday or something? Ivette and Maggie hug and say they’re thrilled that they’ll be able to see their families tomorrow. The conversation quickly goes to the toilet though, as they discuss how Maggie had a lot of gas the night before. Oh, and she snores too. What a catch.
The girls head out to the backyard and sit at the table, talking about how exciting it is that they only have another day and a half left in the house. Try to imagine my glee at this fact. They decide to go walking around the yard, and the conversation turns to shopping. They both want to hit the malls in LA before returning home to their real lives. Of course once they find out how the viewers feel about them, they might opt instead for witness protection. Ivette mentions her father, which prompts Maggie to talk about how attractive her dad is, even calling him a “beefcake”. This of course leads to Janelle bashing. Maggie chooses to bring up the night that Janie was talking about all the musical instruments she plays, and says she was lying about all of them. Why? What purpose would lying about musical instruments possibly have? The mind boggles.
Since Maggie likes to talk about herself when she’s not insulting others, she starts talking about work. Apparently, just before she left, she was indirectly involved in a case of wrongful death. A relative of someone who died in the hospital where Mags was working was about to start procedures; Maggie’s signature was on the patient’s paperwork, and a fellow nurse claimed that she didn’t know whose signature it was because “nurses look out for each other”. I’ll let you draw your own conclusion on this one. The very next day Maggie was on her way to sequester, so she doesn’t know how things turned out.
Ivette is very interested in this stuff, and asks if things like that happen often. Maggie says they do, and that almost every nurse she knows has been to court in a wrongful death situation. She, however, has not. Maggie says that the most common thing people come to the ER with is a headache, and then goes on to complain about people who have the flu and want to be kept overnight. Now I realize that there are bed shortages in the ER and all of that, but Maggie is really tearing into people who “abuse” the emergency room.
Ivette mentions that her mom once had a severe nosebleed for three days, and when she finally went to the hospital they sent her home because it wasn’t bleeding profusely at that particular moment. Maggie says she would have done the same thing, and that even if it had been bleeding, they would have just stopped the bleeding and sent her home. Ivette is silent after that.
After Maggie finishes her ramblings, she asks Ivette what her take-home pay is at Cafeteria. Isn’t that rude? Ivette answers, and Maggie seems mildly surprised at how low it is. Ivette admits that the $750 per week they made all summer in the BB house was a pay raise for her. Maggie mockingly suggests Ivette get a job like Janelle’s, so she could work shorter hours and make more money. Now see, I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing. Maggie goes on to say that Janelle has “sugar daddies” that take care of her and doesn’t actually do anything for herself. This because Maggie spent many hours over the summer getting to know Janelle and finding out the intimate details of her life, of course. Give me a break.
Having walked and talked enough for the time being, the girls head inside to finish their jigsaw puzzle. Maggie takes over and instructs Ivette as to what pieces she needs to hunt for. Ivette just looks bored, frustrated, and ready to see someone other than Maggie and the BB staff.
At 2pm, the puzzle is complete and Maggie declares it’s time for breakfast. Boy, Janelle and Howie would have been so much more entertaining as the final two. Or even Janie and April – they would have had fun. These two, however, are the antithesys of fun.
Here’s how “breakfast” (at 2 in the afternoon) prep goes: Ivette gets two drinks out of the fridge. Maggie puts hers back, Ivette does the same. Maggie gets her fake egg stuff out, Ivette decides to have eggs. Maggie chooses an english muffin, Ivette does the same. Breakfast ready, Ivette hovers to find out where Maggie is heading to eat. She follows Mags outside. I’m not sure why Maggie misses her dogs so much – she’s got a lap dog right there with her following her every move.
Outside, Ivette has a lightbulb moment. She realizes that Rachel may not like her because she didn’t leave the nicest goodbye message for her. Maggie digs for more info, asking what she said to Rachel and pretty much everyone else. Ivette doesn’t remember exactly, but she thinks she said something about liking her before, but not now. No no – you said she was a poor sport. Which is like Verne Troyer calling Crappy “short”.
They play cards as Maggie gives an inspiring speech on the importance of libraries. And by “inspiring” I mean lame and boring. She says that her aunt used to give her books for Christmas, and it’s so important that kids read these days. Because apparently, historically, the ability to read hasn’t been that big a deal. Man, these two are dull.
They talk about Crappy for a bit, because that’s what they do – compliment each other on how moral and wonderful they are, bash everyone who isn’t themselves or Crappy, and discuss how inspiring the midget it. It’s like they’re on a never-ending loop. Anyway, Maggie doesn’t understand why the jury is still bitter about things that went on in the house when Crappy was still there, because that should have been forgotten once Crappy was evicted. Just like everything the Sovereigns ever did was forgotten as they were evicted, right? Trust me, we’re all trying to forget him, but y’all just keep bringing him up like a chicken dinner laced with salmonella.
Both girls head for the diary room, which prompts the camera folk to give us shots of four different rooms in the house. The dorm room has clothing and shoes and toilettries and towels strewn all over the place – it looks far messier than it ever did when the evil Janelle was there, leaving her “shit” everywhere.
And now they’re back, with a fresh deck of cards. Oh goody. I love the sound of constant shuffling. At least it’s not Yahtzee.
I guess they were asking the powers that be in the DR about the agenda for the show tomorrow. They think it sounds like a regular live show, except that there will be a live audience that will include their families, and then they’ll get out of the house, face the jury, and eventually one of them will get a giant check for $500,000. So yeah, exactly like a regular live show.
Now the girls have an indoor lockdown, and Maggie is all over Ivette asking if it’s time to do her (Ivette’s) hair. Ivette says no, but Maggie keeps asking if she’s sure. Instead of hair, they turn to packing. Maggie’s got her stuff everywhere, including the storage room. I hope Janelle sees this or hears about it somehow. They both pick out their outfits for tomorrow and walk around sorting things out to pack. Good times.
Time to go outside again now, and Ivette talks about how she can’t believe that tomorrow at this time they’ll be ready to leave the house. They go over all the places in the backyard that remind them of past houseguests and things that happened over the summer.
Finally Maggie gets to do Ivette’s hair, and as it turns out, Salon de Maggie would be bankrupt within a couple of weeks. She’s curling Ivette’s hair with the curling iron, but only from the middle of her head down, so the top is straight and the bottom is curly. Maggie the Wise says that as you get older, your hair gets shorter. Because her mom has short hair. But wait, her grandmother has long hair, so it must skip a generation. And somehow I’m dumber now for having heard that and then transcribing it.
Ivette brings up shopping once again, and says that if anyone recognizes her and says shit to her, she’ll tell them to f-ck off. Maggie says she’s not worried about that – if people are mean to her, she’ll treat them like she treats her patients and ignore them. If Maggie still has a job as a nurse when this is all over, then I’ll be more concerned about the state of health care than I am already.
It’s time for some fun, so the girls decide to play a game of “Hot and Cold”. One of them hides a coin, and the other one walks around the house as the hider tells them if they’re hot (close to the coin) or cold (far away from the coin). Ivette hides a coin, and Maggie finds it quickly since she’s watching the camera zoom in on the hiding spot. Maggie hides one, and the camera refuses to help Ivette out. Heh. Ivette hides it again, and Maggie takes a washroom break while looking. Ivette’s had enough, and the game is over. Yup, these two sure do have fun in that house.
Maggie makes chicken for Ivette for dinner, and they dig in. They talk about whether or not everyone from the house will get to eat together tomorrow night (doubtful unless they’re eating at the infamous wrap party), and Maggie thinks Ivette will go and eat with her family while Maggie and her David go and eat with Crappy and his wife. In other words, Crappy is Maggie’s friend and Ivette can’t have him, neener neener. If ever two people were made for each other, it’s Crappy and Maggie.
The curl in Ivette’s hair doesn’t seem to want to stay, so back they go to redo the lopsided ringlets. Then they head outside and Maggie points out shapes in the clouds, which Ivette can’t see. Ivette mentions that her curls are falling out again, and heads inside for a shower. Maggie follows.
After changing into swimsuits, they head out to the hot tub where Maggie entertains us all with tales of how she went to summer camp for a week every summer in her teen years. She feels like she’s missed the whole summer this year. Well, duh. What part of the three-month contract gave you the impression you’d be home for barbeques and camping?
They talk about how no one, including David and Tushie, will ever understand their relationship. Well that’s true I guess. It’s not so much the relationship as the excessive co-dependence and weird snuggling issues. Maggie says that when they visit each other, they’ll all have to sleep in the same bed. Somewhere Tushie is throwing up.
Now they rehash their favourite moments in the game. Surprise, Ivette’s favourite moment was meeting Cappy. She’s sitting in the final two, only 24 hours away from possibly winning half a million dollars, and her fondest moment is meeting a bald midget with anger management problems. Sigh. More talk about how Janelle lied about everything, and how horrible she was. Oh, and she cheated. Cheated at everything.
Into the bathroom again, this time so Maggie can put some Nair on her legs before her shower. Why Ivette has to witness this is way beyond me. Maggie also puts Nair on her feet. I repeat, she has hair removal cream on her feet. She says it’s because she’ll be wearing heels tomorrow. So … she has hairy feet?
Maggie gets in the shower, and Ivette plays solitaire on the bathroom floor. What the hell is wrong with these people? Can they not even shower alone? They’ve spent their entire summer in a house full of people, most of whom they didn’t even like, and now they can’t be away from each other for more than a couple of seconds? What’s going to happen when they get home?
Ivette showers again while Maggie slathers on enough lotion to keep an elephant smooth and silky for months. Didn’t Maggie draw a comparison last week between Janelle being selfish and using too much lotion? I’m sure she said that she wanted to tell Janie that “we” don’t use it like that.
Clean and well-lotioned, the girls head outside again to play cards. Maggie talks about how they must be flying in their families right about now. Then she says that she got in trouble all season long for not saying enough in the DR. Imagine someone coaxing Maggie to talk more. At least the BB staff gets paid to listen to this crap.
Maggie wants to know if she and Ivette will be the only people who will remain friends once this is over. I’m wondering if Ivette will ever speak to Maggie again once she learns of the mind games she’s been a victim of all summer. Ivette says no, she thinks Howie and Janelle and Kaysar and Rachel will all remain friends. You know, those evil people who didn’t love each other enough to be true friends to each other. The ones who will have nothing once the game is over.
Maggie wants to get everyone’s opinion on how she played the game. She says that there’s no way the two of them are hated. No way. Oh boy Maggie, you’re in for a surprise! They wonder how the votes will go, and if they will be based on game play or if they’ll be personal. Either way, I think most of the jury would rather vote for the fish than either one of these two.
Ivette goes to get the Nair again, to use it on her fingers. Her fingers! Who uses Nair on their hands and feet? Is this another Summer of Secrets thing? That they’ve found not one, but two Sasquatch and have transformed them into Maggie and Ivette and trained them to play Big Brother?
Hair removal over for the evening, the furry sisters move their card game indoors, but soon tire of playing. They head for the dorm room where Maggie lays down to watch Ivette pack some more. Maggie falls asleep, and Ivette goes into the living room to play solitaire. I think Ivette is nervous, not only about the vote, but about stepping back into the world after spending the summer on camera 24/7. As well she should be. Maggie has already decided that she will not walk away from this feeling like a shitty person, no matter what anyone says. Ivette doesn’t seem too sure.
Ivette finally puts the cards away and heads to bed. This is their last night in the BB house, and for that I am truly thankful. I’m also surprised that Maggie didn’t push the beds together and ask Ivette to wear her bra to sleep in, but then again I should be thankful for small favours.
I’ll be recapping whatever we get to see tomorrow, leading up to the finale, as well as the finale itself. See you then!
We’ve also got daily coverage of House Calls, the internet talk show featuring Marcellas Reynolds.
Want even more Marcellas? Read his candid interview with Reality Shack
Any final thoughts on the season, the cast, or anything BB-related? Send ’em to me at email@example.com and we’ll discuss.