Warning: This article contains spoilers. Well, not really, since the season is pretty much toast now.
Sigh. So by now we all now that the nerd herd is sitting pretty in the final two. But let’s see if we can think of some positives here. Sure, they’ll win the money, but what will happen when they go home and discover just how much BB fans hate them? On the other hand, Janelle, Howie, Rachel, and Kaysar (and even James and Sarah) are media darlings and fan favourites, and will reap the rewards of a summer spent being true to themselves and entertaining to the viewers. That’s a definite silver lining. Anyway, let’s get this over with, shall we?
Ivette wakes up first again this morning, and bides her time playing solitaire on the floor. Did BB remove all the tables, chairs, sofas and beds? Maggie is up quickly and joins Ivette, and the Janie bashing begins immediately. Maggie says that Janelle is “the least sharing” person she’s ever met. Maggie, open your mind just the tiniest of bits. Please, I’m begging you.
They rail against Janie some more, mostly for poor sportsmanship. These two girls, the poster children for poor sportsmanship, are ragging on Janie for cheating and being a sore loser. There should be danger pay or free therapy or something with this job. I’m sure it’s causing me severe mental trauma.
Big Brother, who is obviously sympathetic to our plight, gives us fish for two and a half hours now. Thank you, BB. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
When we come back, Ivette and Maggie are playing cards, both looking very serious. Janie is in the bathroom making herself look even more gorgeous for the live show. There’s a lockdown in the HoH room, so everyone moves up there. Small talk, more card playing, blah blah blah. Ivette says she’s looking forward to getting online when she gets home, soshe can see what people thought of her. Ah, a light at the end of the tunnel. Wish I could be a fly on the wall for that little discovery.
HoH lockdown is over, and Maggie gets called to the DR. Janie and Ivette head to the kitchen, where Janie reinforces that if she wins the HoH comp, she’s taking Ivette to the final two. When Maggie comes back, she tells the girls that there will now be an outside lockdown. Ivette is upset because she needs every minute of these last couple of hours before the live show begins to primp and preen and get ready. Maggie and BB both assure Ivette that the lockdown will only be for 20 minutes.
Out they go, and we get to watch the fish tank again for about an hour. Which, again, is fine by me.
The girls race to shower and get dressed and pick at their zits. They finish packing their things, and Maggie offers to make Triscuit pizzas for Ivette. That seems to be all they ever eat; Triscuit pizzas and nachos. Can neither of these girls cook?
Janelle has abandonned the idea of wearing her little black dress with the broken zipper, and opts for the same outfit she wore when she won the last HoH. Ivette is in black pants and a tube top, which Maggie pronounces to be “classy”. Maggie runs around until almost the last minute in shorts and a t-shirt, but eventually changes into her black pants and blue tank top. You know, the pants that reveal butt-crack when she gets excited and jumps on people.
In the bathroom, Ivette tells Maggie that if she can beat Janelle tonight, then Maggie has won $500,000. Of course Maggie admonishes Ivette and tells her not to talk like that, but we know that inside she’s rubbing her hands together and shouting “Show me the money!”
Janie is running around the house trying to get all of her stuff together to pack. Maggie and Ivette complain about how much of her “shit” is still lying around all over the house, and when Janie comes in the complain that she spilled shampoo, Maggie dubs her obnoxious. Pot, meet kettle.
Janelle changes her shirt a few times, but ends up wearing the same purple combo she started out with. She seems pretty nervous. Ivette and Maggie, however, continue to tell each other how not nervous they are. Perfectly calm, these two are. Or so they keep telling eeach other. Maggie says that she’s ready to jump on Ivette when she wins. I’ll bet you are Maggie, I’ll bet you are.
Maggie carefully packs the items from the Crappy shrine (what would Ivette do without those, if Maggie had been evicted?). Then the two of them hug and say how much they love each other. That’s good, because no one else is going to. Ivette tells Maggie that she’s afraid of disappointing her. What about your family, Ivette?
They decide to walk laps around the backyard for the last ten minutes before show time, as Janie brings her bag out and makes one last trip to the bathroom. Oh Janie, we’re going to miss you!
Now it’s time for the live show, and we all know what happened there. Ivette somehow pulled off a win, and decided to take Maggie to the final two, thereby giving away $450,000 that her family so desperately needs. Dumbass. And Maggie did indeed run and jump on Ivette when she won, exposing her lower back and upper butt to America, causing blindness and trauma for viewers nation-wide. Thanks for that, Maggie.
After mentally preparing myself for the atrocity that was to be the rest of the evening watching the feeds, I bravely fire them up to see … both girls crying. Oh great, here it comes. They’re still sitting in the living room, and Ivette suddenly yells “I beat Janelle!” Yes, yes you did, but you won’t beat Maggie. Then she says she feels badly for Janelle. Aw, how sweet.
Maggie tells Ivette about her reaction to every question during the comp. Glad CBS didn’t see fit to air those. Then they accuse Janelle of cheating, because Ivette could see all of Janie’s answers in the reflection. So, just so we’re clear, Janie cheats when she wins, and she cheats when she loses. She’s just a big ole cheater. Right, gotcha. What was that they were talking about before? Poor sportsmanship?
They also think that Janie knew this competition would be the last one, so she coached Rachel and Howie, and maybe even James, on how to answer the questions. For the love of all that is good and decent in this world, how on earth would Janelle have known what the questions would be? You won; suck it up and quit the bashing. We’ve really and truly had enough.
Oblivious to thousands (well okay, probably tens now) of eyes rolling across North America, Ivette spills everything about Janie’s deal with her to Maggie. How Janie was going to ake her if she won, and how she hinted that Ivette should throw the final comp. Ivette says that she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t sell Maggie down the river like that. Too bad, ’cause “down the river” would be a great place for Maggie, especially if she were wearing cement shoes.
Maggie says the image they saw of April didn’t look like her at all, because her hair was long and straight. Um, huh? They go over how the votes might go at the end, and even though they agree on them, Maggie still says that Ivette will win. I should start wearing a helmet when watching this – my forehead is covered in bruises from banging it on the desk.
They talk about how Janelle was such a great player. She was just one girl, but had the whole herd running throughout the game. They think that she was the mastermind behind the Sovereigns, not Kaysar. But that would mean that they were wrong in backdooring him, so they change their minds.
The girls go and change their clothes. Maggie is giddy that BB has agreed to get her some hair colour so she can dye her nasty roots. They gleefully discover that Janelle left a pair of socks behind. There you go Maggie, something else to add to your collection of clothing from people who you helped evict.
They discuss how they hope their families are proud of them, and Maggie says that she didn’t even want todo the show but David made her. Thanks David. Thanks a lot. Maggie is glad that she will have some cash to help Crappy send his kids to college. Then she says that James came into the house only to be mean. I can’t wait until Maggie discovers that most of the viewers would rather hang out with James for three months than look at her for another hot second.
They look at the pictures on the memory wall and talk crap about most of the people up there. They say that Howie was the only one there who played the game just to be on TV. Please – how about J-Blow? She applied for almost every other season, and I doubt it was because she enjoys strategizing and wanted to make new friends.
Ivette says that if she had picked Janelle in the end and won, it would have been dirty money. Dramatic much? They decide to play cards, but first Maggie has to unpack the items so they can recreate their shrine to those who have gone before them. Bleh.
Next comes this gem from Maggie: “How great is it that there are two friends at the end and not two villains?” Surprise – y’all are the villains. Once you realize that maybe you can begin to understand why we found you both so vile and sanctimonious all summer long. Or maybe not. Whatever.
They decide that they want to sleep in the hammock tonight. Well, Maggie decides it and announces it to Ivette, who agrees quickly as she usually does. They continue to talk trash about Rachel and Janelle.
BB gives them champagne and dinner from Chili’s. Ivette has ribs and other assorted goodies, and Maggie gets what I presume is a veggie burger. They chow down and talk about how orgasmic the food is, and Maggie reminds Ivette that she will give her a massage tonight. Ivette thinks that her choosing Maggie, her friend, over Janelle for an easy win, will teach Janelle a lesson in honesty. Or stupidity, depending on which way you want to look at it.
After dinner they go put their jammies on and fold laundry together. Blankets are dragged out and arranged on the hammock where the remaining nerds snuggle in and get comfy together. They talk about everything that’s happened in the game to get them where they are now, and credit Crappy for their victory. Never mind that Crappy left in week three and got less than 10% of America’s votes to come back in the house. Heh. That statistic never fails to make me smile.
They move into the dorm room to get comfy again, and talk about how Janelle would have been much more dangerous if she had been nice. Do I have to keep adding the sarcasm in here? I think they’re doing enough damage on their own. They’re looking forward to the live show on Tuesday, and Maggie says “What if I get booed?” Note to anyone planning on going to the live show: arrive with lots of signs about how horrible Maggie is, and be sure toboo her when she comes out. Thanks.
Maggie asks Ivette what she’s wearing, and when the answer is “a sports bra”, Maggie jumps up and runs over to give Ivette a massage. Cweepy. She mixes some scented lotion with Vaseline and gets to work, talking about how Ivette’s back is all in knots. Man, I really, really don’t want to see any more of this. It’s very disturbing. I’ll bet Maggie doesn’t see anything wrong with Michael Jackson’s sleeping arrangements.
The hot massage action over with for tonight, Maggie creeps back to her bed and Ivette puts her bra back on. When did it come off? Ugh – I don’t want to know. Maggie asks what the noises she’s hearing are, and I tell her that it’s most of the viewers cancelling their live feeds and making other plans for Tuesday night. She doesn’t hear me though, and Ivette mumbles something incoherent.
Finally it’s time for the two evil nerds to drift off to sleep, to dream of money and fame and adoration from the fans. Well, at least they’ll get the money.
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