You know what ruins a hangover? Work. RonRon, SloppyDeena, and DJP are up way too early after a night of drinking, carousing, and wailing. I assume they’re going to work; otherwise, where the hell are they going that early, complaining about how tired they are?
SloppySnooki climbs out of bed, not being able to deal with this. “This” is not apparent, but I assume she’s talking to herself about Jianni leaving the country to get away from her pulling-up-her-dress antics. She attempts to call him but gets his voicemail several times.
At work, SloppyDeena is sweating and RonRon is maniacally laughing at himself. DJP throws things on the floor, yells, and basically creates a ruckus to irritate the other two who are hung over. He never seems hung over himself.
SloppySnooki goes back to bed and then decides she can’t sleep so she keeps telling JWoWW she needs to leave and she should wake up to talk to her and go somewhere. JWoWW wants to sleep because (a) she chased Jianni down for several miles to no avail and got home way too late and (b) SloppySnooki cursed her out last night and treated her like crap. SloppySnooki thinks JWoWW should get up to be a good friend. Maybe she would if SloppySnooki hadn’t gotten so sloppy drunk last night. SloppySnooki gets dressed and goes out alone until the sun goes down.
Of course, to go out, she must first get through the door. She battles with the lock, yells at the door, and finally pulls it open. Hil. Air. Eee. Us.
SloppySnooki goes to Astor during the day to get a beer. She dances to the music and tells a bunch of random women how she’s miserable and heartbroken because her boyfriend left her. She dances by herself. I’m embarrassed for her.
At work, the boss wants SloppyDeena to clean the bathroom. She won’t clean the toilet. He tells her to clean everything and then mop. She kind of cleans the bathroom, using a brush and then a mop to clean the toilet. DJP comments, Yuck. Then the three of them leave with a pizza.
SloppySnooki leaves the bar and walks home, half-crying, and talking to herself. This is the worst day of her life. She calls her dad and yells that Jianni left and asks her dad why Jianni left. So her dad asks her why he left and says that if he knew this was going to happen he should not have gone there in the first place. How would Jianni know that SloppySnooki was going to pull her dress up? Oh, wait, he could have watched all three previous seasons of Jersey Shore. Point taken.
While SloppySnooki talks on the phone and SamSam and SloppyDeena look on, JWoWW comes in and asks who’s on the phone. SamSam answers but SloppySnooki yells over her, I needed you and then I think calls her an asshole. JWoWW says she was so exhausted after last night that she couldn’t have gotten out of bed. SloppySnooki doesn’t care and keeps saying she needed her. JWoWW apologizes and decides to help her. Really? Sure her boyfriend left but that doesn’t mean she gets to curse at her closest friend.
SloppySnooki cries some more. She loves Jianni. Why did he leave? This sucks. This is the worst day of her life. Still.
SloppySnooki goes out onto the pigeon porch. She cries and smokes. JWoWW apologizes for screaming at her last night and SloppySnooki needs her and needed her this morning. JWoWW thinks she herself is an asshole for not helping her friend today and last night because SloppySnooki was just being SloppySnooki. Umm, no. That doesn’t excuse that behavior.
SloppySnooki worries about how she looks. SamSam comes out to the porch and says, who cares? SloppySnooki asks again how she looks and SamSam says it doesn’t matter if she looks messy. SloppySnooki then asks if she really looks messy and SamSam, I’m not joking, says, “You have a little eye makeup over here but….” HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!!! And then she says, who cares.
JWoWW calls Jianni from the house phone and he actually picks up. She asks if he’s still in Florence and he says no and he has to go. She asks him to listen to her for a moment, saying if there’s any chance of making it work with SloppySnooki, he should please come back and talk to her. JWoWW has never seen her this way and then JWoWW cries and asks him to talk to her for two minutes. Awwww. JWoWW calls for SloppySnooki to go to the phone to talk to Jianni.
SloppySnooki has an almost-panic-attack, huffing and crying as she gets on the phone. She asks to see him. He says he can’t. She asks why he left. He starts to explain about what she promised him but she doesn’t let him finish. She just says she understands and she doesn’t like that he left. She needs him. He keeps saying he can’t do it and she doesn’t know what she did to him and he already left. He took a train to Rome. She answers, Whatever.
JWoWW says, No, not whatever. Then she takes the phone and tells Jianni that his girlfriend is devastated and he needs to come back if he loves her. SloppySnooki, slugging back a beer, says that it’s done and she doesn’t care right now, so JWoWW scolds her to not say that because in ten minutes she’s going to change her mind. God, this friendship is a lot of work. She then offers to pay for his trip to come back. Jianni says that he will talk to her if JWoWW walks her to the train station. She agrees while SloppySnooki cries into SloppyDeena’s boobs.
Now, JWoWW storms through the house pissed, knowing that Jianni hadn’t left for Rome. SloppyDeena asks why he’s such a prick. SloppySnooki gets pissed that he sounded like he was at a bar. SamSam thinks she’s having a Sam moment, meaning she’s making up #OOPS# to be mad at.
On the street, JWoWW yells out, Anyone speak English? Train station? Someone answers as they rush through the streets. Of course, there’s time for SloppySnooki and JWoWW to check each other’s eye lashes. She spots the station and then spots Jianni.
SloppySnooki runs over to him. And now this is awkward. She stops in front of him and puts her hands up but doesn’t touch him. He grabs her face and wipes her lips. Then she’s like, no just hug me and very much makes him hug her. He tells her that he has to go and then cleans off her teeth. She doesn’t understand. He already paid to go to Rome. She begs him to go back with her. His mom already paid for the ticket so he can’t stay. He snapped when she picked up her skirt on stage; he called his family to get him a new flight.
They walk back to the house so they can hug. He can’t miss another train. He says it was all his fault and he #OOPS#ed up and then says he loves her and then leaves. This is all very strange. And yet again, SloppySnooki is sobbing uncontrollably. She goes inside to sob on the steps.
Now it’s time for antics. Vincenzo and DJP put a couch on SloppyDeena’s bed. Then they put a chair on top of it. Then they take all of her belongings and pile them on top. Vincenzo, btw, is wearing purple pants. SloppyDeena goes into the room to get ready and sees all her stuff and then finds Vincenzo in the shower to laugh and yell at him and then Vincenzo climbs out of the shower and hugs her while he’s naked and she’s shouting ew ew ew. Then she needs to clean it all up because she got punked and that’s the rule. When she lifts up the couch, she gets stuck under it. The boys don’t help her so JWoWW comes to the rescue. This girl is WonderWoman. This is the best day of DJP’s life—it’s still SloppySnooki’s worst I think.
Everyone gets ready to go out. SloppySnooki is drinking in her bed, planning to not go out, but then decides to go. That was difficult. In the cab on the way there, SloppyDeena is really hot. She’s been really emotional and she missed her period, so now she thinks she’s pregnant. So, you know, when you think you’re pregnant, you should drink and smoke every night. At the club, SloppySnooki attacks a guy, dancing with him and choking him all at once.
On a random couch in the middle of the club, SloppyDeena explains to JWoWW that right before Italy, she had sex and now she’s nervous that she’s pregnant. SamSam is at the end of the couch, singing to herself. JWoWW can’t believe she’s having another night with drama. SloppyDeena continues that she gets dizzy every day and that’s why she’s been freaking out. JWoWW takes her to get a pregnancy test right away because she doesn’t want to put up with this. SloppyDeena is freaking out because her parents are going to be mad. JWoWW rings a bell for the pharmacy and says she has an emergency and needs a pregnancy test. SloppyDeena is walking in circles and crying.
What the hell is up with the pharmacy in Italy? JWoWW is crouching down to talk to someone through a hole in the door. No joke.
The two girls walk back home and Sitch lets them in, asking them where they went. They say, To get a food. What the hell is a food? Then JWoWW opens the test for her and hands it to her, explaining positive and negative. Seriously, this girl needs a vacation from her vacation if things keep going like this. They wait for the longest five minutes ever and then SloppyDeena asks, One’s no, right? The results are negative! I’m sure SloppyDeena is not the only person elated by that news.
The next day is rainy so SloppySnooki is wearing a large striped hat indoors. She calls Jianni to ask how his way back was. He explains he had to walk out and she needs to accept that. He says that she was acting like a pig. She says she was drunk and wanted to have sex. He says that she made a decision to embarrass him, which is what boyfriends and girlfriends don’t do to each other if they care about each other.
She is irritated. He’s hurting her feelings. She deserves better. He deserves better. She doesn’t want to talk. He wants to. She’s depressed because of him and isn’t being herself. Neither of them knows why she’s with him. He asks, You get drunk, you make out with girls, and you’re dancing in your underwear and that’s not you? He’s got a point. But if he knows that’s her and he doesn’t like those things, he shouldn’t be with her.
She thinks that’s mean. He doesn’t get it. She isn’t going to call him for a few days and hangs up because she needs a break. The phone rings as soon as she hangs up. She walks away from it. Oh, and she’s drinking again. She lets the phone ring.
The girls are proud that SloppySnooki stood up to him. RonRon says, Number One: I wouldn’t let Sam leave the house in the outfit that you wore. SamSam goes, Her outfit was hot! RonRon says, He didn’t think it was hot. SloppySnooki thinks that looking like slut is fine when she wants to have sex with him. JWoWW, voice of reason, says, you change your man, find someone to accept you. SamSam looks on and quiets down, just now realizing RonRon’s first comment about letting her out of the house, or at least I’m hoping she is realizing what he said. SloppyDeena thinks that Jianni shouldn’t have come to Italy after he came to Jersey house and saw what he was getting into .
SloppySnooki needs to go to Karma. In Jersey. To feel better. She’s in Italy, but needs to be in Jersey. So she tells DJP to get his DJ equipment out so they can drink and pretend it’s Karma. Everyone starts moving furniture, finding garbage on the floor. They decide to leave it because that’s like the club. Everyone gets dressed up as if they are going to Karma. Vincenzo and DJP dress up in their guido outfits. the girls are wearing animal print dresses.
RonRon describes Sitch doing the same thing he does in Jersey: He sits in the corner with his glasses on and looks like the biggest creep ever. I still don’t forgive him for his previous comments, but RonRon gets points for this very accurate observation.
Somehow the house lights turn into strobe lights. It’s as if the house were expecting a dance club to happen. SloppyDeena falls as if she would in a club. SloppySnooki falls into a chair near Sitch and asks him to take her shoe off. JWoWW has her eye on them, but really, that was not Sitch and all SloppySnooki. Then the two of them dance against a wall. JWoWW grabs them to go smoke. Sitch walks behind SloppySnooki and she says, Don’t touch.
He wants her to let him rock that world—very charming—now that she has no boyfriend. Does she? Did they break up? Unclear. Stich thinks he can take care of her better than anyone else, including Jianni. JWoWW thinks he’s just trying to break up a relationship and he’s not in love with her. Sitch is very happy when she calls him. SloppySnooki tells him he’s a crazy person and she loves him like a friend. Sitch says that they used to talk all the time. He says that he loves her.
Then they get into the stupid conversation about whether or not they’ve hooked up. She admits to hooking up in LA. He says, LA, too. He wants to date her and doesn’t like how Jianni treats her. Sitch says everyone told him to kick Jianni in the head; he says RonRon told him to protect himself and do what he needs to do. Well, that’s Sitch’s interpretation of it. All that happened when Sitch was being a kung-fu panda.
SloppySnooki goes inside to ask RonRon if he told Sitch to kick Jianni in the head. JWoWW comes in and says Yes. RonRon says that he did say, Do what you gotta do. SloppySnooki is mad that RonRon said that. RonRon doesn’t want to deal with this anymore; he wants to work on himself and stay out of all that other stuff. Except for when he was chasing Jianni down the street, trying to make out with him. He forces SloppySnooki to hug him and walks out. SloppySnooki goes to bed. She always goes to bed in her club clothes. How is that comfortable?
In the living room, everyone asks Sitch why he had to bring all that up. He says he was having a drunk conversation. JWoWW says he’s going to lose SloppySnooki as a friend. He says no. She says SloppySnooki will choose Jianni over anyone. So Sitch poses: So when she was f**king me and watching her girlfriend get f**ked while she was with Jianni…but SamSam and JWoWW stop him. They don’t understand why he would say that and want to be her friend. He explains he’s bringing it up only because they said she would choose Jianni over anyone and obviously that didn’t happen in that situation.
Bedtime! SloppyDeena wants DJP to cuddle. SloppySnooki climbs into bed with him first but then goes to snuggle with Vincenzo so SloppyDeena can cuddle. Vincenzo tells SloppySnooki not to be a wingwoman for SloppyDeena. She asks him if he can cuddle without being a freak.
When the lights go out, DJP (who looks like Vincenzo in night vision and it got me very confused for a few moments) wants to sleep so he tells SloppyDeena she needs to go into her own bed. She insists on cuddling but he thinks that means smushing and he’s not into that with her so he kicks her out of his bed.
Meanwhile, SloppySnooki and Vincenzo get it on. While DJP is now wide awake, watching, and for some strange reason, I do not find that creepy. Am I becoming immune?